I woke up to Your smile

a rich palette of colours.

a prayful heart.

a thankful heart.

You painted the skies with such life.

You taught the sun to rise.

there are no words for my awe for You.

Life is great.

It's 6.20 am and i am so thankful to be waking up to the sunrise again.

I start work at TFS today.

I am so blessed to have work to attend.

Today, i simply woke up with a smile.

Thank You for teaching my heart to smile.

believing in the spirit of the game. Argos recap take 2.

Here to disply mad acting talents and demonstrate what it's like to take part in a Toronto Argos CFL Football game, may I present to you the lovely ladies of the evening.

The players:

Magali - displaying her spirit in a lovely blue knit turtle neck and obnoxiously large men's Dominion Fan Pack T-shirt.

Alison - displaying her spirit in a SueE original created from an extra large men's Dominion Fan Pack T-shirt.



Scene One - the argos have caught the ball. Will they make it to their end zone for that long awaited touch down?

The fans hoot and holler as Bruce (#5) makes the catch and starts the run down from the 45 yard line.

He dodges left and jumps over #13 on the Alouettes. Bruce crosses the field on a diagonal, with his teamates close behind clearing the path for his agile feet.

He's at the 10 yard line - no one can touch him. Run! Run! Run!!!

TOUCH DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or, at least that's what it would look like, if we had taken pictures when the event did actually occur. It was half time and we were just enjoying the beauty that is a digital camera. But we did cheer on the team when we did succeed in scoring touch downs. And Bruce (#5) did have a wicked touchdown that was sadly challenged due to a foot barely touching the sideline - and the points were revoked. that sucked.


Scenario Two - the loss of the game.

And sadly - blogger has ceased the photo downloads. The fun must stop here.

Flickr people.

Not the best pictures - but it's funny when you think about the fact that some were taken during half time and the confusion on the faces of those sitting around us when we would strike such heartfelt poses.


Buffalo Bills are playing December 17th against the Miami Dolphins. Thinking about it.

I have rekindled my love of football.

by the end of the day, i understood CFL that much more...

A photo journal - cause hey, it's seldom that my blog allows me to post my own pictures - so I say I'm going to take advantage of this.

Enjoy.

It all started with a Fanpack at Dominion. I dragged Brent around the Dominion at Y&E to try to find what this sign was talking about this one day. 25$ for two Argos tix and two t-shirts - oversized and terrible - but none the less. Buying two Argos 500 level tix through ticket master alone is 40$. Hence the attraction to this deal.

Oh the fun we had.

I had a blast at the game. I love going to live sporting events in general. And I have always wanted to go to an NFL game. This is the closest that I've ever come. What better way to spend a day than with your best friend being absolutely silly.

Magali and I enjoyed a lovely afternoon at the Rogers Centre today. The attendance was over 38,000 people today. Shocking. It took into the third quarter for the stadium to fill up.

We laughed, we cried, we cheered on the Argos as much as we could.

In the end - we failed to cheer them on loud enough. We finally got to see an interception - sadly it cost the Argos the game. Montreal took it home 21 - 20.

Oh well. It was a ton of fun. Here is my absolute favorite moments - those captured by my digital camera of magali and i going through an array of emotions. Funny enough - none of these pictures were taken while plays were being made. :) I think most of them were during the half time show. You never would have known - we're that talented!

ARGH - cancel that. See - my blog has randomly stopped allowing me to post the pictures. You'll have to wait until i make friends with blogger again. Otherwise, check out my Flickr account for more Argos fun.


Have a lovely evening everyone. We're celebrating Hannah's 21st birthday!!! :)

new day

i woke up to a colorful sunrise today.

it's going to be a magical day.

last night was fun.

oh the beautiful ladies of freedomize.

to our dressers from FT - thank you for your help.

to all the lovely ladies from Freedom Clothing.

to an evening of professional hair and smokey eyes.

to all the double takes in the mirror.

to the backstage bonding.

to waltzing home from the subway all done up.

to all the peering eyes.

to the very long process of removing the never ending makeup.

i'm me again.

the transformation is actually quite striking. i lost part of my voice last night from yelling over the music - so when i got home my roomates were taken aback talking to me - different face, different voice.

late night runs to Mac's.

falling asleep on that comfy couch. it was always a good bed to me.

today started off on the right foot. i think.

i'm meeting J-dawg at the office mid-afternoon. the time keeps changing.

then it will be tonight.

tonight is date night.

i like date night.

tomorrow - my first live football game. i'm stoked.

look for me wearing a Sue Erickson original on your televisions ladies and gentlemen!

last weekend of freedom.

have lovely weekends.

i'll post some pictures of behind the scenes at Shear Madness on my Flicker Account. will keep you posted.

thursday

i guess i am now officially a model.

last night's fashion show was an experience. it was a very long day/night. we all showed up around 4pm. didn't really get started until shortly after 5pm when we did our first walk down the catwalk. then the hair and makeup blitzing began. and slowly, we all transformed into night time beauties.

it was fun.

you must understand that i am very much not the type of person you would expect to waltz down a catwalk. i am the girl next door. t-shirt and jeans type of gal. someone who doesn't wear makeup - ever. the exact opposite of a fashion model.

it's fun getting all dazzled up - with the glitzy makeup and beautiful hair and just prancing around with this surreal attitude like you're hot shit.

you feel beautiful. it's actually something that i think every woman should try at least once.

we didn't start the show until about 11.20pm. and let me tell you: 15+ models, 5 dressers and a handful of designers crammed into a backstage area with piles of junk, mounds of bags and personal gak, and racks of clothing for several hours - not the most ideal of situations - but it truly gives you a chance to really get to know one another. it's really interesting to watch how a fashion show is run backstage.

it is chaotic.

last run through tonight. a team from Vidal Sasoon is coming to do our hair/make up tonight - so this should be interesting.


anyway.


an aside. kind of.

my life has been chaotic lately. not so much visibly to anyone around me - but inside. there has been a lot going on with personal matters that i want so much to express and then again without proper background information - the stories are lost.

i wish people would stop being so stupid.

my dear brother is going through a situation right now that i wish with all my heart i could shelter him from. the most i can do is offer him my apartment as a comfort during this time. i am happy it will all be over and done with soon. i had no idea it would escalate to this point.

for my parents - i love you guys. and i hope that you know that i am here for you always.


there are some things that i wish i could understand in life - and i never will.
there are words that i would like to express - and i don't know if i ever can.

i feel very vulnerable - in this moment of my life. with the good & the bad occuring.

i'm a very strong person - so this is difficult for me.

i'm frustrated that i can't protect those i love the way i wish i could.


to love is to be vulnerable.
in vulnerability, the truth of who we are is exposed.


and at the same time, i am so happy.

there is a smile in my life that balances out the bad.

i am so thankful for this gift.


i don't wish to understand any of it - i gave up on that a long time ago.


tomorrow is friday - everything will be better tomorrow.



here's to another trip-free evening at the whipper snapper.

i have just jinxed myself - haven't i?

sitting down for coffee with myself

if i sat down for coffee with myself, i wonder what i would ask. i wonder what would be the first thing out of my mouth.

would i speak or simply observe.


i'm a month and a half away from my birthday and i sit and wonder about the changes i've gone through in the first 25 years of existing on this planet.



what growth have i shown?

what growth can i truly believe in myself?

last night - i spent a great deal of time looking at myself on the inside. lying on my bed, listening to music, and wondering. pondering.


He was there by my side listening - even though i didn't speak the words aloud.

there was no need for words. He already knows what I’m thinking.

personal reflections

something that we all go through in our lives and is probably one of the best stepping stones to our future. to be able to look back on where you’ve been so that your next steps have guidance and strength, understanding, knowledge and appreciation.

i can never find the right words

what did i see in myself?

changes that I can’t quite explain.
knowledge of things I need to work on that I am aware of and consciously applying myself to.
appreciation for my heart and how it feels and allowing it to feel.

understanding that if my heart hurts – I should allow myself to feel that way and not feel guilty for experiencing this hurt.

I’m overly apologetic. And through this part of who I am, I sometimes don’t allow myself space to be sad, or be upset, or be bothered. I take on another’s remorse or guilt and in the end, feel bad if I am the reason they feel remorse or guilt.

I don’t allow myself the freedom of that part of my humanity. pain.

often, I simply find a reason to be mad at myself in that situation. from this, a vicious cycle can begin. many people go through it. if you are one of those people – then you’ll understand what i’m talking about.

Why is it that we have a difficult time with handling pain?




understanding of who i have grown to be.

understanding of my personal limits.

my personal limits. knowing what hurts and what doesn’t. knowing how to handle how I feel. knowing to make space for myself to go through whatever time i need to spend on a moment to reflect on how i feel, how the other feels, and how it matters as a whole. knowing that when your heart hurts – you need space so that you can find your common sense again so that you can approach another’s heart in a way where you understand their intention for what is true…and not some negative vision your heart might have built up.


does this help any? does it ease my heart?

it opened my eyes that much more to my reflection.



separation

separation from a situation can be good and bad.

it's that frustrating melding of the two worlds that is so confusing.

it's never easy

you want to step back to calm your heart from traveling down a downward spiral of self doubt. you want to step up to confront your heart and find the truth. you want to be strong. you want to be weak. you want to erase any guilt that you build against yourself.

you want to express how much you understand.

you want to be a support for the other – and yet you need them to support you.



you want to smile again.

you wish it never happened so you didn’t have to think about it. you appreciate that it did happen so that you can grow from it.

you understand vulnerability that much more.




I think, if I was sitting down for coffee with myself, I would give myself a hug.

Cause maybe that’s all I need.



or better yet, I’d give myself a high five.

cause I know that would make me smile.

the ups and downs of reality

today was a day.

fanfest was a miss - cause let me tell you how many people show up to a free event at the ACC. Well, i don't actually know cause we couldn't really find the end of the line up. It was 2.30 - when the event was supposed to start - people had been flowing in since 2.00pm when the doors opened. the line up was out the door, down the street, all the way down the enclosed underpass on york street, and then back up york for who knows how far. insane.

we didn't even bother.


church was nice. worship was good and the sermon was nice. and as always - it's nice to catch up with people after church.

Shawna, brent, kim and myself headed to our place for pizza and nintendo fun. Hannah succesfully avoided studying for a few more hours.


...


contradiction.

i write on my blog for me.
i write on my blog for others - family/friends - so they can be brought up to date on things in my life if they so wish to read up on my life. and strangers who feel called to read about my moments in time.
i write on my blog because i feel free.
i write on my blog using a filter - because i'm aware of who reads my blog and am trying to protect everyone around me.


i feel trapped.


somewhere i feel like i lost my freedom of speech on my blog. and it's my own fault because i've implemented my own filter.



tonight - i feel blah. that is me filterless.

then i feel guilty for posting an honest moment.

then i feel frustrated for feeling guilty for speaking my heart.

then i feel empty for not understanding what i'm allowed to do with my blog.

this blog is my outlet.

if it bothers anyone - should they filter what they read?

or should i continue with this filter?

have i lost hold of my speech?


i hope this moment passes quickly.



dreams. you know when you are in the middle of a dream and it feels so real and then you're woken up - jarringly or not - and your mind spins out of control cause you're pulled out of one 'reality' and into another one and it's sometimes difficult to absorb either world. that happened to me early saturday morning. i think my dream stressed me out and i remember waking up with a terrible headache.

why is it that our psyche allows us to believe that a dream is real anyway?

yeah - i just wanted to say that it sucks when that happens.



Shout out to Sue Erickson - who rocks my world. She took an obnoxiously XL men's toronto argonauts shirt and turned it into a cute top that i can happily wear to Saturday's game. i will post pics post game. Thank you so much lady friend - i appreciate your work and creativity. : )

i should have taken a before and after picture to give you a better idea of the enormous change.



song of the moment - Blindside's Silence. There is something moody and yet very beautiful about this song. there is an honesty and vulnerability that i can appreciate in the lyrics.



i'm out. it's half past midnight.

i'm not tired.

i hope that changes soon.

sleeping is one of the best things in the world. waking up to a new day allows much freedom for a brighter moment.

i wish it was friday

ugh.
good night.

snap

So it's early Sunday morning. About 1am.

Special Shout out to my father - who turned 51 yesterday. Woot. For his 50th bday, him and I went skydiving for the first time in either of our lives. He has no idea what i have in store for his 60th birthday. : )

Special shout out to my mother - whose birthday was September 17th - i was out of town on her birthday and I never did give her a blog world nod. Sorry mum. :) I love you just as much.


So my moment.

Recap of my life. I'll try to mind your time.


Friday night - date night. I look forward to this day - more so when i'm actually working - cause not only does it mean that i get to hang out with boy, but it also represents the start of the weekend. i appreciate weekends. don't we all.

so now that i've contributed such an insightful comment to the internet world out there - what was so special about friday?

well - i received a present from brent.

a thoughtful present.

and with this - i can conquer my fears.

meat is no longer safe in my kitchen.


latex gloves.

that's right.

it's funny cause i had just bought the missing ingredients to my mom's hamburgers and still couldn't figure out what to do with the actual making process. cause yeah - i really had no intention on actually making physical contact with the meat mush.

yuck.


I now look forward to my first attempt on my mom's recipe. She makes lovely burgers. Delicious. So i asked for the recipe. You have to understand that my mom is a real cook - knows her recipes so doesn't actually follow paper recipes for a lot of things. Burgers are one of them. Her yummy potato salad is another. So when you request a recipe - you usually get a list of ingredients with descriptive words - such as for the potato salad - 'lots of mayo...little mustard'. so you literally have to discover the recipe on your own.

this should be fun. i'm all about making people around me guinea pigs to my cooking and baking.

don't worry - my food generally turns out edible.


I bought a bunch of movies on friday - the Jurassic Park trilogy for 20$, Ghostbusters 1&2 for 10$, and Dirty Dancing for 7$. Classics for the shelf when i grow old. I have bought a slew of movies lately - but have yet to watch them. i feel bad always watching movies - but with no tv - it's our only viewing option. that and these terrible cartoons i have on dvd. i endure them, but they are quite terrible. ugh.

we made it through 22 minutes of Jurassic Park. i suck at watching movies late at night - generally i fall asleep very quickly.


So i'm modeling for a friend of mine this coming Wednesday/Thursday for fashion week. I discovered two things at the fitting on friday evening. One - i'm not a model (i walked into a room with very stylish and done up women - i am a t-shirt and jeans girl who doesn't believe in makeup....funny). Two - the waif look is out.

It was actually quite amusing. Another friend of mine, Kate, was at the fitting as well - and when one of the designers would ask me to try something on for them they would be like 'it looks really nice - but it should fit like this.' they'd do a little adjustment, look at kate, and ask her to try it on. she has more curves than i do. and never failing - the outfits would sit perfectly on her.

it was funny and sad at the same time. like nothing fit me.

i was too small.

i do have two outfits that i will be showcasing down the catwalk. wurd. one of which is this skirt that actually has to be pinned onto me or it will fall off. egad.

we have a four hour pre call - for about a minute on stage. it's going to be a lot of fun - a new experience that i can appreciate. it is a different type of art form and i truly respect the designers and their pieces.

Anna - i'll give you more details - remind me if i forget - but i could always just take pictures for you.


Bell phoned today - at noon exactly, as they told Hannah. i answered the phone.

BELL: "this is bell phoning to speak to the person who set up the account on september 5th"
ME: "i'm afraid Kimberley is not at home right now. My name is alison, i'm the one who phoned in on September 6th to make all the adjustments, can i help you with anything?"
BELL: "Oh, well we are just phoning today to conduct a satisfaction survey...."

NOW - if you know me and my entire history of Bell - you will know how quick this call was. I'm not a fan. They screwed me over big time in university - and trust me - i will not forget how they continue to treat their customers.

I am not mean - sometimes i get really completely bothered. I don't cuss them or yell at them. But i AM firm.

So when he said that - i smiled on the inside. After asking me for ten minutes of my time, i informed him that he would not require ten minutes to complete the survey - that he could take every question he had to ask me and answer himself 'completely unsatisfied' for every question - because that would be our communal response (between the three of us). Following his computer screen and probably completely thrown off that i wouldn't take ten minutes - i reassured him that if he had any reason to believe that i was not completely unsatisfied with my service provision by Bell and every single employee that we have spoken to on the phone between the three of us - he could review our account, and then listen to all the recordings of every phone call we have had to endure with the Bell staff and from there he could completely understand why i no longer have ten minutes to spare to complete a bell satisfaction survey.

am i mean?

hannah laughed. i was actually quite disappointed that it was that simple.


today was another day of crazy headaches. for the last two months now - it's been on again off again with these headaches. what happens is a 'normal' headache will start - and i don't like taking pills so i try to sit through it alone. then it starts to shift as it intensifies - and the vertigo kicks in.

migraines i do not experience. vertigo i do. it is how my body responds to what would be a migraine. that might sound strange to some people - but it's actually what they discovered through a summer of medical testing. it's also a genetic problem. migraines and vertigo.

ugh.

SOFTBALL.

it was raining. i think it scared some people away. none the less seven of us did show up - the troopers - Jamie, Dan, Brent, Shawna, John, Goose and me. it was fun-ny.

it was spitting. but it had rained - the field was a mess. puddly and muddy. and when you stepped out into the grassy outfield - it sounded like there was running water underneath of you - very strange.

Hendon Park.

we played catch to warm up until we had enough people to do some infield practise and eventually batting practice.

on the other diamond - there was a team of players that were gathering to play a game of baseball. eventually they came over and asked us if we would like to join in on a game with them. i called it - i had been watching them for a bit and thought they might want to play since they themselves only had 8 people.

we didn't end up playing a game today.

in the end we hit up Smilin' Jack just down Yonge street. ate, drank, talked, laughed.

headed south for the evening. Shawna, Brent and i hit up DQ on the way to my place - despite the cold we at ice cream. then went to my place where we joined Kim in a viewing of '10 things i hate about you'.

end saturday.

tomorrow fan fest. church. evening outing.

good night.

rewatchability factor is key

combined, hannah, kim and myself have a good amount of movies on our shelves right now. which is great. but there is one thing that was truly missing in our collection - one of those classic girly type flicks that you can watch over and over again and never be bored and never miss a beat with the same emotional response.

for a while now, kim and i had been talking about the movies we felt would fit into this teen like romantic comedy genre. we have been craving it for so long.

and we came up with a film that we both have been since longing to see....





not the easiest movie in the world to find for sale anymore.

fear not - cause kim rocks.

she bought it for me yesterday.

it now sits atop our television waiting to be seen.

oh this calls for a movie date.

soaking wet left foot

it is thursday today.

i have been in a lull since yesterday at about 6.45pm.

i blame time. there is just too little of it sometimes.

maybe it's because there are moments in your life that you want to prolong and in thinking about it - you worry about the time and eventually worrying about time only makes it so that you aren't enjoying it to its fullest and sooner or later you realize that it is escaping you. and eventually it does just end.


this week has been lovely. despite the fact that i have lost a great deal of motivation to do much of what needs to be done. but news on the work front might just give me that extra needed push to get my act in gear.

monday

first official trial on the Gazelle Edge. timed and logged.

a 20 minute break for lunch and a snipit of a movie turned into a 2 hour screening of Ever After. I've seen it before - but once you start a movie you don't want to stop it. at about 3pm, my brother phoned me and the plans were set in motion to visit Mr. Finn Finnerty at good ol' Dundas & Bathurst hospital.

He was in for his second hip replacement surgery. Mike and I spent about an hour and a half with Finn & Linda, again on his last night in the hospital (as we did during his first surgery a few months back). It was lovely to see both of them again.

And man - did he ever score a stellar view of the city from his room.

Finn was doing well when we saw him. We bought him a stuffed bear with a cast on his leg to encourage him through this second healing process. We both signed the cast for fun. :)

Later that evening, I was able to grab a mini moment with Magali to catch up on life since her summer travels. much too short but enjoyable none the less.

tuesday

busy day. it all started on a bad note. a two hour phone call with Bell to deal with almost 400$ of over charges on our first bill. not my happiest of mornings. and now, the classic part of this entire moment, is that they have since called twice trying to get to speak to the person who set up the account - and both times, kim and i have not been here, and both times they were arrogantly rude to hannah - who by nature is a very kind & gentle person. so they are now harrasing us with very hostile tones. I look forward to their next phone call.

none the less, the day must go on.

today was the day that i would find out that i have a hole in my left shoe. which would explain why that foot always feels wet from the bottom up when it rains..

add shoes to the shopping list.

I spent the afternoon with Shawna. we walked through the rain to the Yonge & Eglinton centre. dined at the Pickle Barrel, with a window seat overlooking the gloomy fall day. now - one thing to note for any dinning experiences with the Pickle Barrel - read the menu fully - like word for word. i was craving a burger and decided on this lovely little number that talked about a greek feta burger served with vegetables and a side salad. yummy. what i DIDN'T read was that it never said it was served on a bun. and better yet - i got a burger, served on top of a bed of grilled veggies, with a pile of feta sprinkled overtop.

hmmm. it was still good - but it was just silly.

quick trip to Toys R' Us for a candy fix. and on our way.

we hit up famous players (which for the record, i do not wish to support as they do NOT have matinee prices for the general public - what is up with that???) and caught Scorsese's new film "The Departed".

good movie. but...

i can't say that i was feeling all gung ho after seeing about 20 people get their brains blown to bits...

i'm reading from the book of Joshua right now - which follows the story of Israel's conquest over the Promised Land. Eerie in the depiction of the violent battles that occured back in the day.

now - might not seem like much - but with both the stories i'm reading in the bible and watching a movie such as the Departed, i sit and wonder.

i'm not going to say that the movie glorified violence - cause it wasn't it's sole purpose. but it is about life in the mob and with that, the murderous and violent realities will be played onscreen. and trust me, there were some terrible moments in that film. great acting, but terrible moments.

i wonder. if someone goes into that movie and takes in the information in the complete opposite way that i did. they take it as a great inspiration. they feel encouraged from the film. they cheer on the violence that they see.

and i wonder, cause i'm not really someone who was ever bothered by violence in films. i love a good action movie - trust me. give me a good fighting movie any day - and i will enjoy it. but for some reason, maybe it's my headspace with life - this one struck me.

i wonder if someone who has never read the bible and doesn't understand the history of Christianity - if they randomly opened up the bible to the book of Joshua - how would they react - would they cheer on the constant stream of violence or would they shut the book in disgust, claiming hypocracy among the Christian faith due to the violence, without understanding the backstory.

maybe these two things don't relate at all. maybe they do. in my moment - these two different streams have crossed my mind and made me think a lot lately.

and now i'm just rambling. for all those dedicated readers who are still with me - you all get gold stars.

TUESDAY night - i had the lovely opportunity to spend the night at the Smiling Buddha Bar with some fellow FTers to catch a glimpse of Andrew perform his work as Songs to Wear Pants To as well as Joel & Anne Clayton Ravine. It was a great night out. i'm sad that we left when we did - cause the band that followed had a chill sound.

five minutes turns into late night travels.

people took notice. things are changing.
i loved every minute of being with you.

wednesday

baked a batch of blondies for the first time. i love making my living room guinea pigs. poor guys. although they were a hit. sent out the mass email for softball - game this saturday - and boy have i been looking forward to getting back out on the field and tossing the ball.

can't say that my wednesday was very eventful. it was very scattered. heard word about a job prospect that was on a limb (which has since cleared).

hmmm. very scattered indeed.

ttc date to osgoode station where the pizza makers parted ways. waited forever for the streetcar and none the less was terribly early for dan's place. so i strolled around queen & greenwood. probably not the best of neighbourhoods for walking alone at night as a little lady - but very picturesque - there were some real quaint nooks in the area. if only i had my digi cam with me.

living room was lovely. becky, dan, sue and i. played catch up with becky who has been away from us for a while now. chilled out and listened to a sermon by the preacher at Redeemer Presbyterian in NY city. It was a great sermon on faith. The ladies traveled back into the heart of the city and dispersed.

all night my heart was restless. at home, nothing felt right. i was in a strange place.

this is where bedtime is heavenly. sleeping always brings hope that tomorrow will be different.

thursday

today. was a good day.

that's a lie. maybe i'm just saying that cause the day is done.

it was a long day. it was the type of day where you wish it was tomorrow and you watch the clock and it's almost like it's purposely not moving forward at all. painfully slow day almost.

but it's the type of blog where i tell you details - so here they are.

it's just that type of blog day.

i did errands. i filled a very old prescription and am actively trying to solve this problem. but can i tell ya something - readin the three page print out from shoppers when you get a new prescription can sometimes be discouraging. the side effects and long term effects of this one prescription made me think twice. ack.

i did the dumb thing of going to shoppers right as the high school nearby was on lunch break. man - walking in front of that place is like a warzone. they take over the sidwalk. and worse - because i might actually blend in with that age group - i sometimes wonder if someone will ever say something to me.

i emailed people today. maybe that sounds boring - but it's important. catching up with long lost friends and cleaning out a cluttered email account.

puttering around in my boxes of unimportant paper that for some reason i've latched onto. i'm such a pack rat.

and i'm working on it.

went shoe shopping with anton tonight. found out that i could wear a size 4.5 in boys - and will now consider kids' shoe shopping as they are cheaper and tax free. yay to being small footed.

did some mall browsing. did some 7eleven hiking. did some candy buying. did some catch uping. did some movie watching. oh 1985 - the year of the fantasy film (as anton would say).

and - i saw a preview of the spec spot. looking good boys.

home at a late hour. bed time. fitting tomorrow. and maybe some karaoke with the old gang.

i'm so happy that it's now Friday.

good night

inside of me

begin post

i have a secret.

and it makes me happy.

end post

I could never be a chef.

Maybe i'm just quirky - but i have two very strong aversions to two particular food products.

Butter and raw meat.

The aversion: touching them - ever.

The butter one might sound really funny to some - but i think it was due to how we stored butter when i was growing up. We usually had it on the counter in a tupperware container. We only stored it in the fridge during the summer months. I remember when i would be asked to bring that container to the table for dinner - i would do everything i could to only use two fingers, one on each side. There would always be butter that had been wiped off by a knife that would find it's way just outside the lid area and make everything slippery and gross.

I also don't eat butter on anything outside of air popped popcorn and corn on the cob. If i put it on my toast - it's honestly the most minimal amount - you'd be surprised I even bother trying - cause buttering tiny amounts over an entire piece of bread is labourous.

I do not enjoy the feeling of butter on my fingers.


I also have an irrational aversion to touching raw meat - in particular beef and chicken.

I love eating meat. It is delicious and if I could, i would cook it every day (not trying to offend the vegetarians out there who don't eat meat cause it's cruel). I was raised on dinners of 'meats, potatoes, and vegetables'.

I used to cook recipes that required meat - make everything up until the meat was needed - wait for roomates to come home - have them plop in the meat - and then happily continue on my way.


Mom, dad, you would be proud of me.

sort of.

i cooked raw meat for the first time ever on Sunday. Although it hurt my insides to peel away that saran wrap on the packaged meat product - and i never physically connected my skin to the actual meat - it's a good first step. :)

so technically, i transfered forkfuls of ground beef to an awaiting frying pan.

and sadly, i'm slightly proud of myself. : (

sad, eh?

i couldn't have done it without moral support. so thank you. and funny enough i don't know how much further i could handle the meat. I really want to make hamburgers with my mom's recipe - but i haven't reached the point where i'm comfortable touching the meat, let alone smooching it up into balls and patties.

this is me. silly and sad. i keep myself entertained.

i wonder if i'll ever get over these aversions...

lingo

favorite words of the moment.

plethora - [pleth-er-uh] - overabundance; superabundance; an excess.

obnoxious - [uh b-nok-shuh s] - highly objectionable or offensive.

obscene - [uh b-seen] - offensive to accepted standards of morality or decency; abominable; disgusting; outrageous.

words that have found their way into my every day conversation lately.

All of which could describe this haunting Mastercard bill that is in the mail trying to find its way to my soul. Ugh.

This is what happens when you forget what you use you MC for.

ah, life lessons.

suck sometimes.


mom & dad - don't worry. it's just funny to me. :p

the best thing to ever happen to the North Bay Centennials...

Was being sold to Saginaw, Michigan.

OHL will never be the same. My hometown's team was bought out in 2002 by Michigan.

What happens to the Centennials after transforming to the Spirits? They gain a number one fan.

Not just any number one fan.

No, no. They get none other than Stephen Colbert.

Apparently the team has since named their mascot after him (Steagle Colbeagle, the Eagle), and Colbert does nothing but support the team. He talks about them all the time on the Colbert Report.

This american team continues to play in the OHL. My brother was watching the show the other day and Stephen showed highlights from the Saginaw Spirit's game VS the Sudbury Wolves. So funny.

If you don't follow OHL, you probably don't care too much about this new information - but to me it's absolutely hilarious. Colbert has made comments on US national television stating to the public to speak to their local newspapers if they don't already cover OHL action.


so yeah.

while i'm on the topic of sports - sad news came today as the Raptor's tickets officially went on sale. The first game, on November 3rd versus Milwaukee was not available. Not only is most of the arena sold out - but you couldn't even really get TWO seats together, let alone three. The best option was sitting in a diagonal, with rows of other people in between. ugh.

none the less, along with my brother on the phone walking me through the teams he'd like to see, we're hitting up at least two games this season - starting on Sunday November 26th, 2006. Later in the month than I expected, but i'm not going to complain too much. :)

I am still really interested in trying to get tickets to one of the Argonauts' playoff games. Their last game in Toronto before the Grey Cup will take place on Saturday, October 28th VS the Montreal Alouettes.

Maybe i'll buy tix for that.


In other news.

Our Town was fabulous on thursday night. Jen McNaughton played one of the lead roles, as Emily. She did an awesome job. Was able to spend the evening with Shawna, Sue, Lisa & Rob from FT. Hit up the Yellow Griffin pub post play. Despite the random bits of blizzardy snow spells, the evening was nice.

Friday I had a ton of fun drilling holes in my walls and having the stinkin' things crumble on me. Lesson learned. There are TWO walls in my room that no one should attempt to put holes into - they explode on you. Ugh. I have since decided to hang up pictures in those areas.

Don't worry - i repaired the holes. I am quite the handy woman. :p That and for some reason I own a bottle of Mono.

Unemployment has got the best of me again. I'm addicted to a new show. Grey's Anatomy. It doesn't help that it's the only tv we really have (since we get ZERO channels on the actual television). I will be joining Zip.ca in the next month. Let's see what other TV shows i can get addicted to. :)

I don't actually want to plan a new addiction.


Last night I actually thought that the reality of my moment would become more visible. Somewhere we missed a beat.

We went to our friend Esther's store Freedom Clothing. This quaint little store, which showcases a lot of very talented local fashion designer's works, also puts art on display for local artists. They were revealing their next line of art work last night at a mini gala almost (it was soooo packed). It was lovely.

Very very packed - so I didn't want to stay too long. I have no idea why...i'm not clausterphobic, and i love being around a lot of people - but last night i didn't feel right. Maybe i've changed since my days at the underground music shows where ever direction you turned there was another body beside you and you could easily fall into conversation with complete strangers.

Maybe i was just being funny.

Tutti Frutti came our way and at the end of galavanting around the store, I decided that not buying candy was not a viable option anymore. Too much candy.

We ate and walked and ttc'd home. He walked me to my door like a gentleman.



mutually losing a simple challenge.



i don't know what to say.



My roomates make me laugh.

I fell asleep on the stupid couch again. We have all proclaimed that there is something in the couch that puts all sitter oners to sleep. It's way too comfortable. But at least now people understand how it could be my bed at my old place.


Tonight i play with the Swine girls. It's been far too long.

how to avoid a biopsy 101

a ttc date.

duke of york. banquet burger. excellent company.

rainy nights. puddles growing up your pant legs. no umbrella can save you.

random ttc encounters. masking friend's eyes isn't always the best idea.

waltzing home.

late night living room laptop conventions.

hannah's hospital escapade.

sleeping in. accidentally.

mom's banana bread.

over an hour in the waiting room for a scheduled doctor's appointment.

worst case scenario ruled out over a month ago. simultaneous attempts at solving the problem. next step is not so fun.

walking home. in a texting battle with an old work buddy.

lost in the crisp air. swishing my feet through fallen leaves. enjoying the wonderful random shuffle on my iPod. breathing in what is ontario's fall.

i love fall.

i took my mittens out today.

my hands don't love fall as much as i do.

eating salad and enjoying an episode of the only tv show we own.


spending my last few moments before hashing at the room again.

my to do list is so long, i've been ignoring it for a while. time to attend.


our town tonight.

tomorrow maybe an evening on the town.

pet vulture...a moment of thanksgiving

there was something about the way she delicately ate her pie.

in this moment, I couldn’t help but admire my grandmother. It’s a moment I can’t quite put into words.

i did the only thing i could.

sit and appreciate my surroundings. my family.

Lost in a moment. I took in the idea of appreciating every bite. Of appreciating every moment you are given.

Home was nice. It was short. But it was nice.

An hour outside of North Bay, I grew desperately tired. So did my brother. Lucky for him, he wasn’t driving.

At home, we were greeted with open arms to my parents and my grandparents (on my mother’s side). It was lovely.

The conversation was constant. From every direction.

At night, my brother brought out a recording device he purchased in Toronto. It’s a small mixer of some sort.

Time flew as we played with the different settings. We laughed.

Then we all laughed when my mom’s laughter was captured by the microphone, and distorted by this one preset. It was creepy.

I remember all the smiles.

Thanksgiving was nice. Dinner was lovely as always, and despite falling sick, my mother played the lovely hostess to all of us.

For the first time in a long time, we took pictures. We had two digital cameras, my own and my parents’.

We heard all about New York. I look forward to visiting that city one day.

Being at home always plays with that nostalgic side of you. Sitting in my room at 3 in the morning, I examined every corner. Remembering.

My warped wooden door that barely closes anymore.
Playing the piano. Hearing the piano being played by others.
The coo-coo clock.
Lying down with my mom and spending one on one time.
My father.
Staircase antics. Climbing over the banister.
Lying at the top of the stairs in the most obstructive way – and talking with family.
My ballet shoes.
Listening to my brother’s recordings from his mixer. Envisioning an independent film that it would be a score to.
Eating at Webers.
Never failing to fall asleep on the couch with everyone around. Never wanting to go to bed until the very end. Never wanting to miss that last moment.
The pine tree in our front yard that is enormous. I remember when it was ¼ of the size.
Our pet cemetery.
The neighbours – and all their personalities.
My street.
West Ferris in general.
Driving down Booth.
Waking up on the couch at 2am, with the television on and the lights shining brightly. Knowing that your parents gave up on trying to get you to bed.

I looked through all my high school year books.

so much has changed…

to be that person I was 10 years ago and see the world again through those eyes – what did I ever think?

thanksgiving…

I have much to be thankful for.

For the last year that I have lived and the growth that I have experienced.

For my family. Through thick and thin, I love them. I miss them. Always, I pray for their happiness and safety.

For His strength and never failing love. For walking me through every second. For opening my eyes to what life really means.

For new friendships that have blessed me in ways I could never express. For old friendships that hold strong through the years.

For a relationship that surprises me more with every day. One that I never expected and still don’t understand how I deserve…

For employment that came after 8 months of unpaid work.

For the promise of tomorrow.

For home. For my community. For my moment.

I must say that I am very thankful with where I am with my life right now. I have been extremely blessed throughout this last year in particular. I stop and quite often ask myself what I’ve done to deserve any of this happiness.



thanksgiving…

a day where most people find a reason to reflect on their lives. To reflect on their last year. A reason to appreciate. It can be a very powerful moment or simply a brief thought passing through one’s head.

Knowing that people are making an extra effort to reflect upon certain parts of their lives… it’s a nice thought.




thanksgiving…

the drive home was longer…but not terrible considering traffic. The clown mask made an appearance, but was not as big of a hit as last year. I remember that one car who kept finding us on the busy highway a year ago.

they actually took a picture

After dropping off my brother, Shawna and I FINALLY went rollerblading – after several botched attempts over the last few weeks. There’s this park right near my place that I never knew about – at Leslie & Eglinton – with great trails.

It was great to be back out on rollerblades. It was really nice to catch up.

It was a gorgeous fall day.


At night, by the lake, the weather was still just as lovely. The company was delightful.





deep breath

I feel like there is so much in me that I want to write about. I hit a wall when it comes to this one part of my life…because I don’t know how much I can say.





thank you for the evening. I definitely appreciate your company.





i am thankful

for all of the smiles

May the rainbow be certain to follow the rain...

I can't actually believe it's already October. Another day, week and month have gone by. Soon enough, 2007 will be here.


...one night...


I’m smiling right now.

I feel so blessed.

I have lost myself in smiling moments throughout the last little while.

I’m loving every minute.


Today was good. I had a coffee date with Sue, and it was lovely. It was the type of day that you can really appreciate. The fall weather was crisp. The colours were sharp. The sky was so blue. The clouds were so white. The grass was uber green. I don’t know how to explain how my mind was absorbing the world around me.

I’m on a work break – and I really had a lovely day. We sipped our drinks outside the Starbucks and enjoyed the fall day. Despite the fact that I had a banana cream frappacino (thanks to my brother and introducing this drink to me during the TIFF) – which is a cold blended cream drink, I wasn’t terribly chilly.

Walking back to the subway, I was dreaming about wool mittens.

I miss walking. It’s not that I don’t walk places when I have a car, but usually when I’m working, I don’t have time. I love it. Especially downtown in the evening light. It’s a very unique time of day.

I enjoyed listening to my iPod. It’s been a while.

I pick up a car tomorrow for Mike and I to drive back home. I hope he brings the clown mask. Last year was wicked funny. We leave Saturday morning. Not too early though – cause you gotta hit up good ol’ Webers on the drive home.



Ramblings:

Had a funny moment with an older gentleman on the subway. Made me smile. You can still find happy moments in this city.

Worked a day on a commercial on Tuesday – for Ali. A wrap day. It brought me back to my days on commercial sets. Can’t say that I actually miss those days anymore. I enjoyed my time with my commercial team…sadly, that was a different me. It was great seeing Ali again and meeting the PM. Also, their office was on the TFS lot – which is always fantastic – cause the same people from my Wild Card days work there still. I even had my amigo at OutTakes make me a special lunch. So lovely.

My landlord reassigned my parking space on me on October 1st. He actually gave it to someone else, despite the fact that I am currently paying for it. I was not very impressed. There was a surplus of cars in the lot that night too – and I had to park in this odd place. He phoned the next day. I believe the car has been relocated.

My parents just got back from New York city. I look forward to hearing about their adventures. I have yet to make that treck. I’m thinking about it…

Bell disconnected our door buzzer. We can’t buzz anyone in from downstairs. The repair call is going in.

I am going to be modeling for a friend’s fashion line at the end of the month. I am so nervous. I thought it would be good for me to do something I wouldn’t normally do – and I absolutely love the clothing line that my friend has produced. She runs a store with other fashion talents new Bloor & Ossington, called Freedom Clothing. It’s a cute store with very chill fashion items. I have a fitting next week. I’m super excited about this…despite the nerves. Being done up with dynamic makeup and fun clothing – it is exciting. I’ll let you know how it goes.



Enjoy today…

Tomorrow I hope to put together this Gazelle Edge that has been a presence in my life in box format for several months. Finally.

I say this now, but tomorrow will be a very busy day.