sitting down for coffee with myself

if i sat down for coffee with myself, i wonder what i would ask. i wonder what would be the first thing out of my mouth.

would i speak or simply observe.


i'm a month and a half away from my birthday and i sit and wonder about the changes i've gone through in the first 25 years of existing on this planet.



what growth have i shown?

what growth can i truly believe in myself?

last night - i spent a great deal of time looking at myself on the inside. lying on my bed, listening to music, and wondering. pondering.


He was there by my side listening - even though i didn't speak the words aloud.

there was no need for words. He already knows what I’m thinking.

personal reflections

something that we all go through in our lives and is probably one of the best stepping stones to our future. to be able to look back on where you’ve been so that your next steps have guidance and strength, understanding, knowledge and appreciation.

i can never find the right words

what did i see in myself?

changes that I can’t quite explain.
knowledge of things I need to work on that I am aware of and consciously applying myself to.
appreciation for my heart and how it feels and allowing it to feel.

understanding that if my heart hurts – I should allow myself to feel that way and not feel guilty for experiencing this hurt.

I’m overly apologetic. And through this part of who I am, I sometimes don’t allow myself space to be sad, or be upset, or be bothered. I take on another’s remorse or guilt and in the end, feel bad if I am the reason they feel remorse or guilt.

I don’t allow myself the freedom of that part of my humanity. pain.

often, I simply find a reason to be mad at myself in that situation. from this, a vicious cycle can begin. many people go through it. if you are one of those people – then you’ll understand what i’m talking about.

Why is it that we have a difficult time with handling pain?




understanding of who i have grown to be.

understanding of my personal limits.

my personal limits. knowing what hurts and what doesn’t. knowing how to handle how I feel. knowing to make space for myself to go through whatever time i need to spend on a moment to reflect on how i feel, how the other feels, and how it matters as a whole. knowing that when your heart hurts – you need space so that you can find your common sense again so that you can approach another’s heart in a way where you understand their intention for what is true…and not some negative vision your heart might have built up.


does this help any? does it ease my heart?

it opened my eyes that much more to my reflection.



separation

separation from a situation can be good and bad.

it's that frustrating melding of the two worlds that is so confusing.

it's never easy

you want to step back to calm your heart from traveling down a downward spiral of self doubt. you want to step up to confront your heart and find the truth. you want to be strong. you want to be weak. you want to erase any guilt that you build against yourself.

you want to express how much you understand.

you want to be a support for the other – and yet you need them to support you.



you want to smile again.

you wish it never happened so you didn’t have to think about it. you appreciate that it did happen so that you can grow from it.

you understand vulnerability that much more.




I think, if I was sitting down for coffee with myself, I would give myself a hug.

Cause maybe that’s all I need.



or better yet, I’d give myself a high five.

cause I know that would make me smile.