the long way home

Billowing fog


It’s that eerie fog. It rolled in around 7am this morning. We were five minutes away from Pearson, when we hit it like a wall. Since then, it has enveloped the city.

There is something beautiful about the eeriness that comes with this fog.

It’s Saturday morning.

5am. I loved waking up early this morning. It was so quiet. It was so beautiful. The city can be lovely when it is still.

I’m working. Yet, I’m at home, back in my pj pants and typing on my blog. I’m between my two airport runs. Not a bad day’s work at all. And today will be the only Saturday that I have to work – as our lovely PM has asked that all actors be driven by car service from now on. Which is great – cause now I have full weekends.

Something that is much needed after working a week with these hours. This week was long. It wouldn’t be terrible if I was on set – but working the equivalent hours in a production office can become daunting. I’ve been thinking a lot about the film industry and where I stand within it. With the application date approaching for the union, job offers that shift constantly and just trying to figure out if I’m crazy to want to work in this industry, knowing how little of a life you can carry while you are in production…my mind has been racing through scenarios. Mind you I think this happens to every single person who works in the industry – you don’t understand why you do it, but you keep doing it.

Then on my way to set last night to drop something off to our second AD, I see our package truck roll by, and I sighed. I love film. There is something very wonderful about the industry that I am attracted to. When I drive by a film set, I get excited. I’m a film nerd. I have a passion to make films and work within this ever changing industry.

When I get back from traveling, I really do want to focus on producing – so I’m hoping there’ll be an opportunity to work through this next phase of my life. I have options and I’m excited about it. This is what I want to do – so I’m going to pour my heart into it.

As always.

I’m a dreamer. A determined one. (aren’t we all?)


So – a crane moved in last weekend. I woke up Sunday morning and finally clued into some strange noises that I was hearing. I couldn’t figure out why the construction team was working on the site just outside our apartment. It’s Sunday morning!?! I peak out my window and spot this dude doing final adjustments on a plate on the ground. NO WAY.

I’ve lost my beautiful sunrise view – well, it’s still there, except now I have a lovely crane operator to share it with. Bonus – this crane’s closer than the other two – so I’m hoping I can actually get to talking to him with hand signals. :o)


Last week, I went into the Upper Crust bakery to grab our crew some goodies for their Tech Survey. This is a cute little place near Queen & Pape. I used to go there all the time on my Wild Card days to pick up the morning craft run. I was excited to see the woman who owned the place – cause it’s been just over two years since I last saw her. Right away – she recognized me and was so excited – she didn’t want to let me leave. She had so many questions for me. And it was nice. I keep bumping into all these people that I only ever carried brief moments with – but who I remember and who remember me. And just realizing the impact that you can have on someone’s life just by smiling and saying hello every day – people remember. It’s encouraging.


I made gingerbread cookies last night. Thursday night I was up until 2am making the dough. And last night I baked, as I caught up with my roommates on how they’ve been (cause I really haven’t seen them too much lately because of my work hours). Late night. Early morning. I woke up to the smell of gingerbread through my room – which was very lovely and a nice change to the cigarette smoke that billows into our apartment from the adjacent apartments. Yuck. I woke up one morning and thought there was someone in my room smoking it was so strong.

Time for sale. If you have some spare time that you don’t feel like putting to good use – I’ll buy it off of you. For real. I’ve been advised that I simply need to find time in my day to do the things that need to get done. Which sounds logical – except when you leave your house at 7am and don’t get home until 11pm or later. This is why I was up until 2am making dough – cause I was determined to do my work out, shower, then bake. This is all well and good for now – but as I get older, might not be the best idea. So, I’m going to start buying time and eventually I’ll have this time bank and I can dip into it whenever I’m in desperate need.

I’m sorry – I’m not complaining. It was just a hard week these last few days. Next week will be so much better cause we’ll be staggering the shifts (thank goodness – it was not my call to not stagger this week).


Last weekend was a time for catching up. Was on the phone with old friends and co-workers who I miss dearly…and then a date.

Last weekend was fun – Anna, a lovely little spirit who I met on Naturally Sadie, her husband David, Brent and myself all went on a double date. My first ever double date. It was lovely. Dinner at Marlowe followed by a two hour attempt at ten pin bowling.

That’s right – attempt. Although Anna and I brought the mad skills to the alley.

: p

Or not. I was very proud of my one strike and one spare through the three games. The boys were competing for the high score of the group – and they actually tied between game one and two before David stepped into first. It was that gosh darn #15 ball.

It was a lot of fun. I promise to have a photoblog about it – once I finally get my pics up to Flikr. (sorry for the delay Anna)


I actually had a great weekend. I felt spoiled all weekend – cause I was able to spend a lot of time with friends.

Friday night Midnight (more like 2am) screening of Amityville Horror with my friend Jason and Brent.

Saturday night’s double date.

Sunday morning brunch date at the Sunset Grill in the Beaches with Brent. Church. Dinner at Montana’s with Shawna, Esther and Brent – which was a farewell to Shawna as she stepped onto a plane for NZ the very next day (so lucky!!!).

That’s three meals in a row eaten at restaurants from Saturday to Sunday – not something I ever do. Especially on the weekends – cause I love to cook… especially after spending a week eating catering food.

There is much else to say. There always is.

I’m happy right now. There is always a reason to not be happy I suppose – but I choose not to look at that right now. I was so blah all week long. I was so discouraged – until a conversation I had with our lovely 2nd AD on set one day. Being reassured that you are not alone dealing with a situation is always helpful – encouraging. I don't like how work can affect you so much.

I really am looking forward to this film being done. I just want space from the negative energy that my coworker puts out. I wish I could show more compassion – and I do try during the week – but knowing how much it has been affecting my mood and spirit – I just want space. At the same time, I do hope that I can have a positive impact on her in some way from the time I spend trying to sway her negative outlook on everything.

There is so much light in life – and it is so beautiful – why focus on the shadows? Why highlight the shadows?


I am blessed.

So blessed.

It’s like yuck.


I’m going to head out for airport pick up number two – then off to do my errands. Tonight – Esther’s fundraiser for her mission’s trip to Costa Rica. ie: destination for fleet of gingerbread cookies.

It's the weekend - recovery mode is about to set in. Wish me luck as i finish my application for the union. And somehow try to find time to sleep in tomorrow.

hahaha

PS - A side note. An ode to snail mail. the joy of which brings you - Buffalo Bills tickets. A lovely present in the mail this week. *eep* one week away from that tail gate partying road trip. i'm sooooo excited.

my feet keep treckin', i'm just along for the ride

White Castle - Port Huron, MI - September 30th, 2006

I want to write a photoblog of where my feet have been.

I have this strange fascination with taking pictures of my foot/feet/other people's foot/feet in different places. I have no idea if there is a simple explanation or if it's something very grandiose that has to do with how i remember where i've been and how i've grown in my life through the footsteps that i take.

Most likely - it's just a simple reason.

Today, is not the day for that photoblog.

Today is also not the day for posting about the road trip to Port Huron, MI.

I never posted my blog about White Castle. I owe this thing a lot of summer stories.

It's thursday night. I had a lot to talk about, but my brain decided to go on vacation for the evening - so i now find myself at a loss of words.

my current show, Young People, goes to camera on Monday. So tomorrow is going to be rough. A new found perk to this show - working on Saturdays. That's right folks - 6 day weeks. It's just part of the gig. We have a lot of talent traveling in from out west, and they always fly on Saturdays. So someone has to be around to shuttle them as well as provide them with their per diem.

One day of recovery each week is not the greatest.

Now, someone out there reading this is going to say something like 'i work 7 days a week, you don't understand.' Au contraire - i fully understand and respect people who do this, along with people who juggle more than one job (especially when it's two full time jobs - which is insane). And I'm not so much complaining about working a 6 day week - just more so putting it out there - that for my friends, who could start wondering what happened to me - now you know.

And on a side note - full time in my world is not the very attractive '40-44' hours/week. No, it is more like "60" hours/week. And working "60" hours a week on paper - which we film office folk do - isn't necessarily "60" hours. More often than not, it's far beyond that. So, at the end of 6 sixteen hour days, you might understand how one day isn't enough of a recovery.

Luckily, i haven't worked 18hrs straight on this show yet. So far i've been able to cap off at 14hrs.

oh film industry, why do we torture ourselves so.

today is a dumb day

if sleeping in isn't bad enough

i locked my keys in my trunk at 6.15 this morning.

and for some reason, in that state of mind, you think you can actually just pop the trunk with your hands.

i was okayish. despite the 15min panic in my parking garage, acknowledgement of my idiocy and knowing that this was going to happen one day - and accepting my fate that if it was going to happen - it had to be on a day where i needed to be somewhere at a specific time.

acknowledgement that today is going to be a dumb day.

there is a certain mental anguish that comes with placing a roadside assistance call. i don't even want to get into it - but 20 minutes into answering the 50 questions this lady had, i honestly wanted to cry. slow and uncaring. the dumbest questions. and they want an answer for everything. i don't know how many questions ended with - i have to let them into the garage - i will be able to show them my car. and they don't place the call to the roadside people until they are done asking you the questions.

and despite the calls to Scotty (our transport guru) as of 6.30am (I knew he'd be awake - i'm not that mean), to poor Jonathan who had to basically go into work early to make sure what i had to do got done, and the fun times with Abrams' car service - i made it to the camera test on time. with everything in hand.

first day glitches out of the way. thank goodness it's not a production shoot day.


life - it's just funny sometimes.

ack.

a time for many things

Sexiest burger - ever

That's right.

And you know what - i made it. I am such a nerd. I couldn't eat it until I took a picture. Mind you, slapping on all the extras - I wasn't thinking about an impending photo opt - so it's also the sloppiest photo burger around.

friday night - my last friday of freedom until the shoot is done. I'm not complaining as I say this - it's just the reality of film work - and quite frankly, i've been blessed (knock on wood) that since starting in long format, i've been on Monday - Friday gigs. I've only worked one saturday on Four Brothers and it was an easy day.

so, I figured it was time to take that giant leap and make the burgers. my mom's recipe. guinea pig - poor brent.

so it starts off with the shopping trip to pick up the final ingredients and then we head to my place to start the process.

can i just say - that you will never fully understand my aversion to raw meat until you see me attempt to make something out of it. i have no idea how dumb i am when i'm around the raw meat - but i know i become neurotic about cleanliness. something i warn people around me - so that they are aware that i will become compulsive about hand/counter cleaning.

maybe i'll calm down after cooking meat a few more times. MAYBE.

So it all begins with Brent putting the package of meat into the bowl. I couldn't even do that with my bare hands. At this point i'm definitely voicing how gross i think this all is - more so because i'm getting nervous about the whole event. it's like conquering a really dumb fear. i felt dumb all night. at the beginning i realized how dumb i felt that i couldn't do this without latex gloves on that i almost aborted the entire mission.

with my very vague recipe pinned to the fridge, i begin collecting the ingredients. first hiccup - add some carnation evaporated milk. SOME???? what is that supposed to mean?

right off the bat - a call to my mother - who can't help but laugh on the other end of the line. "add a splash" she says. How big of a splash? what's my splash to raw meat ratio supposed to be????

here i am nervous enough - cause i am about to do something i never thought i would have to do in my life - and on top of that - i talk so much about how much i love my mom's burger recipe, so i don't want to screw it up when introducing a new person to the meal.

she laughs some more before providing a bit more guidance. we hang up.

ingredients in. reluctantly, gloves on. i am alone with the meat my friends. and even with this thin layer of latex, i can't get myself to touching the dang pile of blegh. what if there is a hole in the glove? runs through my head. i'm ridiculous - i know. it's the strangest thing to try to explain to someone - honestly - it's simply an irrational fear i have built up inside me.

after poking at the pile a few times i begin to squish the ingredients together with one hand. it's not that bad. eventually, the ingredients find themselves mushed together as brent sprinkles on the remaining list of items. it was fun.

but i still felt gross.

we made four burgers all together. they were thick and juicy.

sadly - my george foreman grill (which i would like to plug for a second - cause these things are amazing - everyone should own at least one) - burns the top and the bottom of the patties. I haven't been able to figure this part of my grill out yet. you see - there is no temperature control on the two grill elements - and it was blackening the extremities even when the sides were still red.

they were still edible - man - i don't want y'all thinking otherwise.

after eating the first two - which i must say were yummy - moist - and just yummy once again - i thought i would be smart and put diana bbq sauce on the tops/bottoms of the burgers so that they wouldn't burn in the grill.

that didn't work. lesson learned. adding sauce doesn't prevent charring. it might increase the chances...maybe.

mission number one - accomplished. i'm like 100 attempts away from trying a turkey. :p

and the good part is - no food poisoning. :)

So that's me burger story.

Here are many other stories i'm currently working on...

Motivation for my work outs

I discovered how wonderful my gazelle edge is. I can do a very long work out on it and not really notice it. At first, i was only listening to music and watching the construction taking place outside my balcony door. But then on thursday, i decided to pop in a movie into my laptop. Bingo. Instant motivation. Mind you - i'm not focused on reps so much and more so just doing the actual gliding + variations. It's a start. :)

My 'home gym' is growing. thanks to wal mart. i bought more exercise thingies. This rowing thing and the good ol' figure eight elastic band. I haven't tried them to their full extent yet - but they are there to keep me entertained and never bored. They are really useful and simple exercise tools. I have yet to use my Pilate's circle that I purchased while living at Manor Road. See - i was so stoked and motivated to work out at that place and was on a roll UP UNTIL the insect infestations were kicking in - where i decided to avoid working out on the floor all together.

Things are looking up. It's hard to find time to really focus on working out with my work schedule - hence why i'm trying to 'pimp' up my bedroom with gadgets that are in very obvious places - in hopes of keeping myself on some sort of schedule. I have to get in shape for my trip - or by the end of the first week, i'll be paying for it.

so excited.

Work

I've been learning a lot about myself over the last two weeks. Less to do with work itself - and more to do with dealing with certain types of people in my life. These past three weeks have been very very heavy and dark for myself. While i try to err on the positive side in life situations - I've noticed that i've expelled a lot of my own energey trying to keep certain people on a high (or at least a tolerable level) that it has drained me in the end. At the end of the day - i'm empty. I'm feeling completely at a loss of motivation to do the things that need to get done. I feel frustrated at myself.

In the last two weeks, a lot of the negativity I've been trying to avoid from a coworker has really started seeping into my heart.

I started looking at my own life and questioning things. I can't explain it or understand it. When you are around such a negative spirit, it ultimately begins to weaken your heart. Maybe it's just me - but if i could put you in my shoes for you to understand - then you might think differently.

All I do while i'm at work is pray through every step I take. Every second that I am there. I pray for strength to make it through the show while maintaining a positive outlook on the work, this production, and every person involved on the cast & crew. You have to understand - the people I work with are all really awesome. Even the one person in question. It's just learning to deal with purely broken souls.

Wow. I can't even explain how much better this week has been. It's incredible the shift that occured. I thank God every day for His deliverance of the dark and for His guiding strength. I have seen such a positive change this week in how things worked between the two of us.

It's a personality issue. It's just the way that coworker is in life. It's very draining. Yet - there is a beauty in this person - and that's what I've decided to focus on. I filter all the rest out - even if that means not fully hearing a single word that is said about non work related events. It's just for my own sanity.

Spiritually, we clash. But it's not something we openly speak about. It's a mutual respect - which I value between us.

I can't explain it. All i can say, is I've noticed a shift in my attitude. The first week was really hard - because of how i started to see things in my own life. The second week - was different. It wasn't the same type of problem. It was more - I noticed the difference in how I decided to treat the situation (although, i continue to, since the beginning, show this person nothing but respect and attention) - and the outcome of my own actions - and of God's presence - and it was great. BUT - it left me completely drained every single night. Which, is fine, I guess, considering that it makes working tolerable. I just hope that as the weeks progress, I am able to see a continual growth on the positive side of things.

As for me - it's a new challenge. One that is both very spiritual and emotional. Something that is forcing me to look upon myself and how I want to grow in the face of these type of situations. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow. It is a blessing in disguise. It is a lesson in patience and compassion.

And for those around me - it's a test of patience and compassion. By the time I get home at night - I'm spent. I have nothing left in me. And those around me get the brunt of it. Meaning more so that I have been seeking a lot of solitude over the last two weeks especially, and that means not seeing my roomates as much (my apologies Hannah & Kimberley), not being there as a roomate, and then there's my poor boyfriend who doesn't always have the opportunity to speak to the most upbeat human around. Just spent.

We all go through this.

It will pass. And it is well.

I will grow from this - and one day, it will be wonderful.

Earpiercing shrieks of horror.

Oh wait, that's just our fire alarm. I step onto my gazelle at 4pm. Twenty seconds into the workout, the fire alarm starts to go. Oh my goodness - you have no idea how terrible this thing is - i can still hear it ringing in my ear. It's obnoxious - but it works. I step out into the apartment, from my room, and investigate.

Nothing.

Open our front door - confirmation that it is the entire building.

So what's the first thing I do?

And this my friends, is where I feel dumb. I go into my room and get changed. I was so non-chalant, it worried me afterwards. I think it's from living in residence and all the false alarms pulled in the middle of the night. You just assume it's not for real.

Mind you, walking out in shorts wouldn't have been a great idea - it was cold and wet outside. i was solo. I got bundled up in a hoodie and pants and shoes and scuttled down the stairs. Strangely enough, i was one of the first people out the building.

It was interesting. I was able to observe a lot of people from my building. We didn't socialize too much, more so cause half of the people were frozen - wearing t-shirts alone (smart - they probably left without getting changed - they'd live through a real fire). I realized that there are some super friendly people in my building (which is encouraging) and then i met a posse of three girls that i felt were straight out of high school. Not age wise - attitude wise. They were being so rude to our super's wife - i couldn't believe it. Just snide and obnoxious. I was sad for them.

Three fire engines show up. And with the flip of a button - all is fixed. Wow - that was way too easy. Culprit - apparently someone in apartment 101 was making toast. I have no idea if their 'in-apartment' alarm was buzzing before the entire building went. I truly hope there is a delay in widespread alarm blitzes.

The soundtrack of my life.

On the road this morning, i popped in my Delirious Album - The Mission Bell (which i do plan on passing to Shawna if i can ever remember the darn thing). It's golden. At least - i have enjoyed it since my days on The Storm where I first discovered the album in Chris Jones' family van. It pulled me through a great deal of 24 hr days.

Anyway - i was listening to track number 11 today - and it's like i heard the lyrics for the first time- this one part just stood out to me.

The first song, Take off my Shoes' excerpt:

Why did you call, why did you wait,
For someone so guilty, someone so fake.

It's best if you know the entire context of the song - but basically, it's a love song for God. It's about this person who is so desperately seeking His presence but will never fully understand it. He is sitting there, in the presence of God, and still doesn't understand how he was blessed to be sitting with Him. It speaks of our shear and desperate desire for His presence. It's honestly the most mind numbing thing to grasp - why does God want to love me? Why me? Why you? Despite everything that we do - it's the most beautiful relationship. Anyway - for some reason this part of the song just stood out to me. Most likely because of how I've been feeling especially with how i have treated certain people in my life. I am really hard on myself when it comes to how i treat others. I always want them to know how much I appreciate them and how much I care and value their presence in my life. That isn't always what comes across - because, well, i'm a human, and i fall a bunch, and on the way down, i trip others around me.

And there is the beauty of these lyrics applied to your own life. It doesn't matter how many times I trip, it doesn't matter how much I faulter, God still wants me - He is still waiting and He is still calling out to me. He will not give up on me. I sin, you sin, we all do - and I don't mean to blame this on our human nature - but in the one sense, it really is why we sin. We aren't as strong as we want to be all the time. We are tempted by the beauty of sin desire. It is easier to sin sometimes - or so it would seem. There is a spiritual warfare happening around us - and we are all targets.

But that doesn't matter. It's where your heart lies that is important - and that's amazing. It's not a veto card that allows you to actively sin or whatnot - that's not the goal here. You are supposed to actively pursue a holy life - one that is godly - walk in the shoes that He left for you to journey in. I want to do good. He knows I want to do good. I want forgiveness. He provides. He will sit and wait for me. He will call out my name. He will knock at my door - until I go home. Until the new life. He has a patience and love that no man will ever fully understand - because we were not created with the same capacity - that's why this love from Him is so baffling.

But I accept it.

There is another song, Our God reigns, which doesn't so much apply to my moment, but whose lyrics really resonated with me when I first heard them. It's like with any song, you hear it over and over again, and then one day you really take notice of what is being said. Like a slap in the face.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’

Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.

Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,

God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.

Man oh man - isn't that just awesome??? Honestly, it's all I can think of when I hear it playing on the cd player in my car. God didn't screw up when he made you - you are beautiful. He thinks you are the most beautiful creature this world has ever seen. Every single one of you. That is by far one of the most encouraging and beautiful reassurances. God wanted you to be YOU. That's something I've tried to apply in my own life - love who i was created to be. Love who He wants me to be. Because He loves me. He wants to see my smile shine from Heaven high. He is watching for it every second of every day.

And He wants it from you too. Incredible.

Anyway - with our image obsessed north american society - these words are a desperate plea against our reality. What is it that you see in the mirror? I can't say that I always want to look in a mirror - more so because i don't always want to face who I am. Nobody does all the time. But each and every one of us was created to be here in this moment, in this situation, with these people, with these challenges, with these realities, with these smiles, with these tears... and no matter how hard you try to understand - you never will, so embrace that reality, and enjoy the moment however which way you choose to.

Cause God loves to parade you. And while you're walking on this earth's surface, you are shining bright in His eyes - and man oh man alive - you look incredible. And He can't get enough of you.

So good.

So incredibly empowering.

Leaving you with one last little piece of enjoyment...

The purchase was made today for four tickets to the Buffalo Bills game on Sunday, December 3rd, 2006 - where they will face off against the San Diego Chargers.

I am soooooo excited you have no idea. MY FIRST NFL GAME.

I've been looking forward to this for soooo long. I'm such a nerd.

and done.

I'm gonna go make some food. As for tonight - i haven't decided. I might actually just want to stay at home. It's still wet and rainy outside. I have stuff to get done around here. I might hit up a pool hall where some of my friends are celebrating the freedom of my pal Andrew - who apparently has been hooked up to IV tubes for two months??? I need an update. Also, my bella Silvia's birthday party is tonight. What to do?

None the less, the weekend is almost over (crushing my heart). But i absolutely look forward to tomorrow.

In the next edition of my blog...

upcoming work rumours

a possible bowling date next weekend

so exciting!

things are looking up

My first email - a reply to my MEC posting. An interested climbing partner.

Brent's convinced that I can belay someone heavier than 1.5 times my weight. There's a logic in what he's saying - with the self locking mechanism gre-gre thing. If anyone can confirm this - please let me know. But to my knowledge - i can only belay someone as 'heavy' as approx 145lbs (me being the measily 95-100lbs range).

You know what - maybe i can belay someone a bit higher than 150lbs. Maybe? Would you trust me as a belay buddy?

There is still hope. And this is making me smile.

here's to a happy wednesday.

RANDOM aside - I am currently enjoying my English to Pirate Translator on my Mactop's dashboard. :) It can only translate a mere 200 words into the declared 'pirate talk' - but it leaves me amused none the less.

That is all.

i got called ma'am TWICE today - what gives?

i am officially a geek. i am the proud new owner of a paper shredder.

let me explain - outside of the fact that i did in fact name the paper shredder from my days on Wild Card - (really, i don't think that should count - cause his name was Monster and it was because he looked like a cyclopse for real) - it adds to my office supply nerdiness.

so - i continue with the purging of my life. Mind you - i'm less purgy lately cause my parents recently suggested that when I travel I should simply rent out a storage space instead of moving my boxed items back home. Either they really don't want to see my stuff at their house (don't blame them) or it's really more convenient for me to have it all in the city for when I return.

Either way - for some reason i've been more lax with my purging.

In comes mr. paper shredder. I have bills from 8-10 years ago in my files. At least a whole banker's box full. On the bills - banking information as i'm very addament with how I file my billing and keep track of all my payment records - cause you know one day something is going to nip you in the butt - and you'll have proof otherwise. I'm not a fan of just tossing paper like that - with sensitive information. And i'm also not a huge fan of tearing paper piece by piece - cause i'm compulsive at times and would want the darn pieces of paper to be small enough to cover any pertinent information -which in the end would drive me insane.

instead - i buy a paper shredder. i think my brother called it an early birthday present for myself. am i that nerdy?

i think it's a valid reason to own a paper shredder - that and the fact that it does make sense to eventually own one in the future with my job and working through the industry with sensitive information and whatnot. not with my job as a PA (hahaha), but more so when i return and focus on producing within the film industry.

Lame.

yes.


I posted on MEC for a rock climbing partner. I have wanted to join a gym for years now - and every partner i've teamed up with has not been able to commit to any regular schedule. It's sad. Also - with my work - i'm all over the place. But herein lies the beauty of the rock climbing gym...they're generally open until 11pm. There are some people who have mentioned interest - and i am very much still interested in hitting up the wall with these fine folk - but i would like to commit more time to this. It's part of my training for me trip. I can't do regular gyms - cause most of the fitness machines destroy my knees. Fine by me - i'll take the challenge of a vertical climb over an exercise bike any day.

mind you - somedays i wish i could bike again. boo.


it's raining today. it warmed up this week. but i was thinking about snow. we're past the beautiful colour changing part of fall - we're now into the dreary middle state awaiting the official arrival of winter. but then comes that first snowfall. i love walking outside in the middle of the night when the snow just starts to fall from the sky and just enough builds up on the ground so that people take notice - but not too much that it becomes a hazard to walk/drive in.

soon enough.

i'm not wishing for its arrival just yet.

however - i would like to go toboganning on my birthday. i've been wanting this for years - it's never snowy enough. oh well.


i'm at the airport before the crack of dawn tomorrow to pick up our director and our writer from their time in LA. i can't sleep in. wish me luck.


i am blessed.

and i honestly just want to talk about it all the time. not in a gloating fashion. not to rub it in other people's faces - but more just because it wants to burst out of me.

being blessed doesn't mean everything is peachy keen - heck no. it's more an understanding of where you are at in your life and for me, I feel blesed when I am in sync with God and feel that i might have an understanding of where He wants me in my life right now and embracing the good, the bad and understanding why He has brought either situation my way.

when i feel like this - i feel like my smile comes out more - on my face, through my actions, through my words.

there was something about how i interacted with these three people at Price Choppers this morning that made my day that much brighter. it was the quality customer service provided by the cashier and the two gentlemen who i had lined up with. i can't explain it fully. there was a beauty in the way we all communicated. the two gentlemen were deaf. we became entangled in this random price check situation and somehow met again paying for our items. they wished me a good day. i was smiling the entire time. everyone was. it's difficult to describe a moment like this - but it was what i needed.

when you're in good spirits you realize how much lighter your heart is. how much brighter the day really does feel.

a simple ten minute conversation on MSN today gave me strength to get through the day.

work has gotten a lot better. and i'm at peace with it all. and i think the way i handled things last week is really becoming evident in the shift with the problem.

the Sadie crew that has joined in on this feature make it really feel like home.

my first letter of recommendation came in the mail today. this taught me that placing a letter in the mail at night on a monday in the city of toronto CAN actually get to another location in Toronto by tuesday afternoon. Thank you Julie - a million times over.

I hope i'm doing the right thing.

LR tomorrow night - movie times at Dan's place. He has a projector and a screen that covers a large portion of one of the walls in his living room.

I finally have my specialist appointment lined up. January 10th, 2007. on the plus side - i think that one of the medications might be working. but it's difficult to tell. i'll let the experts tell me.

blessed. for so many reasons.

thank You.

thank you to my friends, family, community, and coworkers for being lights in my life.


and thanks be to you. you make my every day brighter.

three nights.

i still get lost in this smile.



it's nine. i have to make dinner. i have to go to bed at some odd hour to ensure the pure avoidance of sleeping in.

i'm encouraged. there are new adventures on the horizon.

My brother...

...the clown.

monday mornings.

Happy 55th Anniversary to my dear Grammy & Grampy Clark!!

i had a good weekend. very busy. little sleep.

Magali is happily moved into her new apartment - her first place alone in the city. Always very exciting.

Saw Borat on Saturday night - funny. But very controversial depending on how you would like to look at the film and its content.

A brief overview of what will become an ongoing controversy. On the one hand - it's a mockumentary and when viewing the film, you need to enjoy it as such. And quite frankly, i haven't laughed so much at a movie in a long time. It was constant. It was everyone. Subject matter wise - there were some points where you laugh cause it's funny - but sometimes it's just plain uncomfortable.

Herein lies the biggest controversy that i've been reading about when people discuss this film - how movies like "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" are shaping the way today's society is viewing humour. You have people on both extremes - those who think that movies like this are setting the new 'norm' for what society wants to see in theatres - and the type of comedy that is selling. They look at these films as something to embrace. Then, you have the group of people who feel that allowing humour, such as this film displays, to take hold of the industry and become the norm - we will begin to see a higher tolerance for problems such as discrimination. The question being are we allowing too much freedom for discrimination? Where is the fine line? Were Borat's anti-semetic jokes too much? Or should we look at the fact that the actor himself is Jewish and is actually trying to bring to light our own ignorance - especially within the United States?

Borat's film is a funny film. I am very happy that I did in fact see it. This is the type of film that you want to see in its opening weekend so that you are spared from the mass critics' and public opinions. Controversial - maybe. Is it that we are being too uptight about the humour?

Does free speech exist anymore? What defines free speech? Cause here we have a film - that crosses A LOT of lines when you look at it as a wide release feature film. But when you slander a whole nation of people - even in good (debatable) humour - is free speech no longer acceptable?

I really dont' want to get into a huge discussion or description about the film. It is what it is - it's funny - it's difficult. You have to see the film to understand the concerns.

Oh, Borat.


Sunday was a day. It started off on a really good foot. More so - i remember waking up and feeling good about the day - things were nice.

The move. After pushing back Goose's move time - we eventually started the offloading at her new place at 10.30amish. It went quick. It's a quaint little first apartment.

Ran home - ate - ran out - church. Set up.

The sermon was really good on Sunday - i am really interested in the book of Acts - it's been a few weeks now that David & Cyril have been preaching from that book. Maybe i'll try to tackle that one next.

After church - we had a LR leader's orientation meeting. I was officially asked about possibly stepping up in our group. I meet with Daniel tomorrow to talk further about this - and also just simply talk to my LR about what they think - cause that's really important.

At night - the old spaghetti factory for our dinner date.

It's just amazing.

All the time.

You know when you sit and ask yourself why you deserve things - people ask this through good and bad times. I just feel overwhelmed with joy in certain parts of my life - and i don't know what i did to deserve them.

I exist.

That's why i deserve my smiles and my tears.

I exist because He created me to lead this life. And He wants me to shine and smile and find this golden path He's laid out for me. He's laid it out for all of us - it's up to us to understand this and seek it. He wants us all to be sooo ultimately happy. A lot of times, it's difficult to understand that - but i will forever appreciate Him and what He wants for me.

Sunday night was really nice. it was simple. it was exactly what i needed with you.


sitting on my balcony chair - so happy that i have one - and very appreciative of blankets to shelter from cold weather.

a hug.

a smile.

the simplicity of an honest heart.

the complexity of humanity.

i feel at home.

on the balcony.

in the hug.


so much to say.

i'm so happy right now. things are well in my life - there is a good balance.

thank you.

for being patient.

2.50 am

a voicemail from a boy describing a girl he is looking for. he then describes himself. his entourage is shouting around him. at the end - you can hear them all discussing how that message was as they hang up the phone.

i love drunken messages - they honestly are hilarious.

2.52 am.

returned phone call.


so i was on a mission today. yet not a lot got done.

today i learned two things - finding a pack is not as easy at i thought it would be and coats i like are expensive.

I have been in "love" with an Arc'tyrex bag for years - problem - the price. it's over 400$. but it's a beauty with a lot of nerdy features i don't want to get into too deeply.

so i settled on the idea of the MEC replacement - the good ol' Brio bag. a mere $109. but MEC quality guaranteed that i would be in good hands.

SO today, at MEC, i spend some time with a floor rep, and do the next step in the backpack purchasing process...

The learning of the packing and of the eventual 'putting on the back' aspect - and ultimately learning about your abilities to carry your life on your shoulders.

And here, I learn, that the MEC brio bag does not fit me well. Major back pain - as it doesn't work with my back's contours. I can't even begin to tell you how much my back was hurting - and all i was doing was toting 30kgs around the bag section of MEC.

So i speak to the guy - and he suggests I try on another MEC brand name and then this one Arc'tyrex bag - ah yes - the one that i was always eyeing.

Now - here i have a problem. I do have to return and try on the Bora 65 vs the Bora 75 (men's vs women's) because i was having a problem with the hip belt jacking up - and this is like the most important fastener you will ever have - as it distributes 80% of the weight to your hips. The problem - i am facing the 400$ bag purchase scenario again - the same scenario that i finally cut out of my head. But man, that bag felt soooo good on my back. And to know that I'll be doing a hardcore back travel through NZ - it's best to get a great pack and a great jacket.

i do enjoy my back...

Packing these bags is funny. I have no idea what i'm going to do when i hit up NZ. The guy said you should never carry more than 1/3 of your weight. I am fine with that - cause i now know how 60ish lbs feels and it aint pretty.

anyway - it was a real eye opener. I really really need to start strengthening my back muscles - esp my lower back.

thinking about carrying your life on your back and actually trying to carry your life on your back - two very different things. i bet i'm going to leave with like nothing out of fear of overweighting myself.

So - that's the bag story.

On to part two - the inevitable need for a super strong shell.

My coat. This too has been something i've been working at trying to get for a long time now. I have been trying to find a good gore-tex shell coat that will be my everything coat - with layering for the colder months. Now - knowing this - i have to be prepared to pay a good amount of money for this jacket - cause it's going to be a very vital part of keeping me dry and ultimately happy as i backpack over the next year.

Gore-tex my friends - is not cheap.

The other part is the cut of the coats. I am a petite person - and the sad part of that is that most things at stores like MEC do not fit me properly. This includes their coats. Either they simply are too boxy and baggy or they just don't sit right on my body (arm length/shape). This has been a great letdown in the shopping department for a good coat. I have to love this coat. It has to keep me dry. It has to endure a heavy backpack grinding away at the shoulders and waistline.

In comes the new line of Spectre jackets at MEC. Beautiful new colours - i found a blue one that caught my eye. and they are a nice fit. for the first time, a size actually fits me in a way that i feel comfortable.

again, i'll spare you from all the product information.


My favorite part - the price tag.

$399.00 with tax.

Yup - read it and weep - and i mean that more to myself.

I'm not saying i'm made of money - cause i'm not - and i did have to crack into my last $100.00 GC from MEC. But in the end - this is a great coat. It just hurts to know i could bundle it up into the tiniest ball of material. :p

So now i've got my coat and my sleeping bag. the next two big hits are the bag and the boots.

wow - this is really happening.

upcoming

Today is friday.

winter is approaching - it snowed yesterday. it is cold today. windy. i like it though - it's better than a downpour.

Tonight I have a dinner date with an old friend - the lovely Silvia. We dine at Grazie - which is chill cause it's near my house and also cause I've always wanted to go and never really had a reason (the wait time is tremendous esp. cause they don't take reservations).

Tomorrow is errands day. Yup. Fun stuff to kick off your weekend. Laundry, cleaning, sorting. LR meeting downtown. Hopefully a MEC date - none the less it's the weekend to crack into my last GC for that store - and i am looking forward to the shop. At night - a movie date - the feature - good ol' Borat. After this week - i need a good laugh.

Sunday is Sunday. I'm covering a fellow FTer on setup - so i'll be at Freedomize early pm. Post church, a long awaited dinner date with Brent. I look forward to the evening.

Then week two on Young People.

Other upcomings.

Meeting for the Coordinator gig.

Applying to the Union - yup, i'm caving. If you wish to comment on my plans to throw my life into a union - feel free. I am leaving soon on a long awaited and lengthy trip - and wise people told me it might be a good idea to join the union for several reasons. I agree with these reasons.

My first official NFL game. Sadly, it will not take place this Sunday versus the Green Bay Packers - but I will be travelling to Buffalo to catch the Bills in action versus the Miami Dolphins. Fun times on December 17th - in a open concept stadium - i must remember to bring very very very warm clothing. and mittens. With no television in my life right now - i can't actually follow the season. So i'm not saying that these are two teams I support this season - but being an NFL fan, my heart leans towards Buffalo, despite their not so hot shot reputation these last few seasons, but they are the closest NFL team around. And i'll support them - good or bad.

My grandparents' 55th wedding anniversary is happening on Monday, November 6th, 2006.

Participating in a Photo Scavenger Hunt mid November.

A plethora of Raptors' games. Maybe not so much a plethora - but at least two in Nov/Dec and another in the new year.

A Christmas work party - not my own, but Brent's.

A concert at Roy Thompson Hall - Handel's Messiah.

In a few short months i'll be an aunt.


a favorite upcoming - i'm attempting to make my mom's delicious ribs very soon. :)



There are more upcomings. These are the ones travelling through my head today.

It's been a rough week. I am very excited about the weekend. I don't think i get to sleep in this weekend. I was actually looking forward to extra sleep - which is unlike me. Oh well.


i bought a chair this week for my balcony. that's right - just in time for winter. i don't mind that however - i have blankets and can always make warm drinks. i used to sit on my balcony every night and just spend that much needed time alone. then i started rearranging my room and that door remained blocked by boxes as i sorted out my life. i miss my balcony. from it you can see the very tip of the CN Tower's top spoke. :p i overlook construction from my balcony - and i actually enjoy it - cause it's interesting to watch the progress. i also continue to think about communicating with the two crane operators that sit in their machines every day - thanks to a pocket reference book - i am learning how to speak 'crane' talk. :) let's see if this distracts them at all.

my 'home gym' is expanding. i have all these tools and things and i haven't really applied them to my life yet. i'm not a gym type of gal. i'm more into playing actual sports and rock climbing and kick boxing. But i'm trying. i think i have fun things - which is good, cause i get bored very easily with things. my gazelle is fun and all...but variety is better. also - i am still interested in joining a pool/rec centre. i definitely need to expand on my water abilities before actually thinking about taking up surfing in NZ. hahaha

i really have very little to report. i'm at work - and probably shouldn't be blogging. there is very little for me to do today. i am really just reflecting on things. which is good. i'm really starting to get nervous about the IATSE application.

ugh.

it's noon.

the day is almost half way done.

mishaps and misfortune. it's not all that bad.

it really isn't. i'm really happy in my life right now. the hiccups i'm facing in my life right now truly are simple challenges that i am facing for a reason.

there's always a reason.


it's wednesday night.

MISHAPS: so far, this week, i have managed to stain my fingers orange TWICE. Once by an exploding highlighter - and i was alone in the office and couldn't leave the phones to go rinse off the streams of liquid orange ooze for about 20mins. So the highlighter liquid slowly seaped into my skin until it was almost impossible to scrub off. Another time, tonight, while cutting carrots.

An aside - so i cut carrots and my fingers now have this funky orangey tinge (don't worry - it's slowly dissipating). I make a salad for dinner and ring the romaine through my salad spinner, and the water is a very murky deep green. What gives with the colour loss in our vegetables? Is it cause i'm not eating organic?


Another mishap - a sample package of JIF peanut butter exploded in my jacket pocket.

rewind. we're at dinner for Hannah's birthday on saturday and Kim gets an omelette. With this comes their dish of PB&J. I have never seen a JIF PB sample - so i help myself to one. After randomly collecting different samples - i thought it would be fun to have a jacket full of obscure samples to offer to people. And this is why you don't do such a thing - exploding PB. Lesson learned - i am no longer collecting samples for my jacket pocket.


Another mishap - a slew of painfully located and random blisters on one innocent finger.

this one brings me back to my carrots folks. clearly, i'm not a chef. a new and clear sign of this is how i use knives. i can't necessarily be as strong a cutter if my hand is on the protected handle. I feel that i am too far away from the blade and cannot use as much force while cutting. So i hold onto the top of the blade for a more secure grip. We're not talking steak/butter knives - i mean the fancy big knives with the long blades/handles. Anyway - all that just to say that i cut a bunch of carrots and the entire time the top of the blade (the unsharp part) was banging into my finger - and i now have three blisters on my right index finger. what the crap people? what the crap.


I started work this week. I don't really know what to say about it yet. I finished the script today. Oh - for those of you who aren't 100% up to date - the title of the film i'm working on right now is "YPF", aka Young People F'ng. Yeah - so have a giggle about it and move on. The script is actually an interesting read - and it's not because of the content - it's because of the way it follows the different characters. Not really planning on going into details about this.

I feel very blessed - because this job will run until December 21st - so two months of straight work - which is so very lovely. And also, we're at TFS - which i absolutely love. If you're ever going to feel like you work at a real film studio in this city - this is the place where that will occur. Working with my long time co-worker J-dawg. And the producers and the team really are great people. It's a very small office in terms of people - and i forgot how nice that was to work within.

I have mixed feelings about different things about this job but i don't really want to get into details right now. Or ever for that matter - not on my blog that is. Let's just say, i have a feeling i'm going to be challenged in my environment and in the content of this production. Praying that i come out sane. : )



Smiles through the mishaps:

there's always a reason to smile. i have way more than this - but you have to cap it somewhere.

1) successfully setting up the printer to work from my computer, after several failed attempts in the office today
2) Colin's nike swoosh balloon that he drew for me at Enoch's party
3) the view from Mark & Laval's balcony
4) late night Nairobian msn conversations with the lovely Sarah
5) sitting behind a steering wheel once again
6) despite the struggles i'm facing with this new job - realizing how present God is in my life and feeling His protection
7) the weather - it has been quite lovely this week
8) a dinner date friday night with an old friend
9) knowing that on saturday i'm going to be purchasing my backpack for my trip

10) my boyfriend.


The boyfriend. So i've never really introduced this new character of my life to my blog world. I honestly don't know exactly why that is.

I'm not a big PDG (public displays of gushing) type of person. And it's not out of a lack of appreciation for my bf - i just don't feel it's what i want to share with my blog readers. But i've come to realize that he's probably going to be involved in a great deal of stories in my blogging life - so i figured I should introduce you to him...sort of.

what a classic way to do it.

wurd.

his name is brent.

blog world...meet brent. brent, meet my faithful readers.


slowly people are learning about this relationship and it makes me laugh. but to answer the recurring questions as to how it all came to be. we met through FT softball in the summer. Hung out a bunch and became friends through the season. and eventually, we decided to go the extra step and start a relationship.

tada.

i'm not trying to short change anyone of the story - cause if you know me, you know that i can't tell stories without really going into details. i'm also not trying to downplay how much i care about him.

i just want to make it official.

maybe a blog introduction is just strange.

enough gush.


My brother is safe & sound. Thank God. His slightly perturbed roomate (and i say that lightly) is out and a new one has moved in. I'm praying that all goes well between them and that the other knows better than to try anything else. If i ever saw her on the street, i really don't know how i'd react - but it wouldn't be a good day for her.


Enoch Khuu - is a great person. And because he's so amazing to so many people, our dear friend Elaine decided to throw him a surprise birthday party almost two months post the date. He was sick on his actual bday, and it's mostly due to how much time he was spending helping others with their projects - in the end, he didn't do much on his actual day of celebration.

The party was this sunday and it was a success. The entire time, he thought he was stalling Mark J from a surprise housewarming party and all the time, Mark was really stalling him from his very own surprise shindig.

We decorated, baked, cooked (all Elaine - yummy dinner) and awaited the fateful moment of his arrival. At first, he ducked into the crowd to cheer on Mark, thinking that we were shouting for MJ - it took him a bit of time to realize we were all cheering for him.

We love Enoch - boy's sign.
We love you more Enoch - girl's sign.
Hellium balloons with written messages.
A packed room full of 20ish friends and one Enoch.

It was nice.


it's really thursday morning now. sunday feels so far away.

it didn't seem that far away until last night.

this is nothing compared to the 4.5 month gap that is on the horizon.

why am i so freaked out about this lately?

argh.