a time for many things

Sexiest burger - ever

That's right.

And you know what - i made it. I am such a nerd. I couldn't eat it until I took a picture. Mind you, slapping on all the extras - I wasn't thinking about an impending photo opt - so it's also the sloppiest photo burger around.

friday night - my last friday of freedom until the shoot is done. I'm not complaining as I say this - it's just the reality of film work - and quite frankly, i've been blessed (knock on wood) that since starting in long format, i've been on Monday - Friday gigs. I've only worked one saturday on Four Brothers and it was an easy day.

so, I figured it was time to take that giant leap and make the burgers. my mom's recipe. guinea pig - poor brent.

so it starts off with the shopping trip to pick up the final ingredients and then we head to my place to start the process.

can i just say - that you will never fully understand my aversion to raw meat until you see me attempt to make something out of it. i have no idea how dumb i am when i'm around the raw meat - but i know i become neurotic about cleanliness. something i warn people around me - so that they are aware that i will become compulsive about hand/counter cleaning.

maybe i'll calm down after cooking meat a few more times. MAYBE.

So it all begins with Brent putting the package of meat into the bowl. I couldn't even do that with my bare hands. At this point i'm definitely voicing how gross i think this all is - more so because i'm getting nervous about the whole event. it's like conquering a really dumb fear. i felt dumb all night. at the beginning i realized how dumb i felt that i couldn't do this without latex gloves on that i almost aborted the entire mission.

with my very vague recipe pinned to the fridge, i begin collecting the ingredients. first hiccup - add some carnation evaporated milk. SOME???? what is that supposed to mean?

right off the bat - a call to my mother - who can't help but laugh on the other end of the line. "add a splash" she says. How big of a splash? what's my splash to raw meat ratio supposed to be????

here i am nervous enough - cause i am about to do something i never thought i would have to do in my life - and on top of that - i talk so much about how much i love my mom's burger recipe, so i don't want to screw it up when introducing a new person to the meal.

she laughs some more before providing a bit more guidance. we hang up.

ingredients in. reluctantly, gloves on. i am alone with the meat my friends. and even with this thin layer of latex, i can't get myself to touching the dang pile of blegh. what if there is a hole in the glove? runs through my head. i'm ridiculous - i know. it's the strangest thing to try to explain to someone - honestly - it's simply an irrational fear i have built up inside me.

after poking at the pile a few times i begin to squish the ingredients together with one hand. it's not that bad. eventually, the ingredients find themselves mushed together as brent sprinkles on the remaining list of items. it was fun.

but i still felt gross.

we made four burgers all together. they were thick and juicy.

sadly - my george foreman grill (which i would like to plug for a second - cause these things are amazing - everyone should own at least one) - burns the top and the bottom of the patties. I haven't been able to figure this part of my grill out yet. you see - there is no temperature control on the two grill elements - and it was blackening the extremities even when the sides were still red.

they were still edible - man - i don't want y'all thinking otherwise.

after eating the first two - which i must say were yummy - moist - and just yummy once again - i thought i would be smart and put diana bbq sauce on the tops/bottoms of the burgers so that they wouldn't burn in the grill.

that didn't work. lesson learned. adding sauce doesn't prevent charring. it might increase the chances...maybe.

mission number one - accomplished. i'm like 100 attempts away from trying a turkey. :p

and the good part is - no food poisoning. :)

So that's me burger story.

Here are many other stories i'm currently working on...

Motivation for my work outs

I discovered how wonderful my gazelle edge is. I can do a very long work out on it and not really notice it. At first, i was only listening to music and watching the construction taking place outside my balcony door. But then on thursday, i decided to pop in a movie into my laptop. Bingo. Instant motivation. Mind you - i'm not focused on reps so much and more so just doing the actual gliding + variations. It's a start. :)

My 'home gym' is growing. thanks to wal mart. i bought more exercise thingies. This rowing thing and the good ol' figure eight elastic band. I haven't tried them to their full extent yet - but they are there to keep me entertained and never bored. They are really useful and simple exercise tools. I have yet to use my Pilate's circle that I purchased while living at Manor Road. See - i was so stoked and motivated to work out at that place and was on a roll UP UNTIL the insect infestations were kicking in - where i decided to avoid working out on the floor all together.

Things are looking up. It's hard to find time to really focus on working out with my work schedule - hence why i'm trying to 'pimp' up my bedroom with gadgets that are in very obvious places - in hopes of keeping myself on some sort of schedule. I have to get in shape for my trip - or by the end of the first week, i'll be paying for it.

so excited.

Work

I've been learning a lot about myself over the last two weeks. Less to do with work itself - and more to do with dealing with certain types of people in my life. These past three weeks have been very very heavy and dark for myself. While i try to err on the positive side in life situations - I've noticed that i've expelled a lot of my own energey trying to keep certain people on a high (or at least a tolerable level) that it has drained me in the end. At the end of the day - i'm empty. I'm feeling completely at a loss of motivation to do the things that need to get done. I feel frustrated at myself.

In the last two weeks, a lot of the negativity I've been trying to avoid from a coworker has really started seeping into my heart.

I started looking at my own life and questioning things. I can't explain it or understand it. When you are around such a negative spirit, it ultimately begins to weaken your heart. Maybe it's just me - but if i could put you in my shoes for you to understand - then you might think differently.

All I do while i'm at work is pray through every step I take. Every second that I am there. I pray for strength to make it through the show while maintaining a positive outlook on the work, this production, and every person involved on the cast & crew. You have to understand - the people I work with are all really awesome. Even the one person in question. It's just learning to deal with purely broken souls.

Wow. I can't even explain how much better this week has been. It's incredible the shift that occured. I thank God every day for His deliverance of the dark and for His guiding strength. I have seen such a positive change this week in how things worked between the two of us.

It's a personality issue. It's just the way that coworker is in life. It's very draining. Yet - there is a beauty in this person - and that's what I've decided to focus on. I filter all the rest out - even if that means not fully hearing a single word that is said about non work related events. It's just for my own sanity.

Spiritually, we clash. But it's not something we openly speak about. It's a mutual respect - which I value between us.

I can't explain it. All i can say, is I've noticed a shift in my attitude. The first week was really hard - because of how i started to see things in my own life. The second week - was different. It wasn't the same type of problem. It was more - I noticed the difference in how I decided to treat the situation (although, i continue to, since the beginning, show this person nothing but respect and attention) - and the outcome of my own actions - and of God's presence - and it was great. BUT - it left me completely drained every single night. Which, is fine, I guess, considering that it makes working tolerable. I just hope that as the weeks progress, I am able to see a continual growth on the positive side of things.

As for me - it's a new challenge. One that is both very spiritual and emotional. Something that is forcing me to look upon myself and how I want to grow in the face of these type of situations. I'm grateful for this opportunity to grow. It is a blessing in disguise. It is a lesson in patience and compassion.

And for those around me - it's a test of patience and compassion. By the time I get home at night - I'm spent. I have nothing left in me. And those around me get the brunt of it. Meaning more so that I have been seeking a lot of solitude over the last two weeks especially, and that means not seeing my roomates as much (my apologies Hannah & Kimberley), not being there as a roomate, and then there's my poor boyfriend who doesn't always have the opportunity to speak to the most upbeat human around. Just spent.

We all go through this.

It will pass. And it is well.

I will grow from this - and one day, it will be wonderful.

Earpiercing shrieks of horror.

Oh wait, that's just our fire alarm. I step onto my gazelle at 4pm. Twenty seconds into the workout, the fire alarm starts to go. Oh my goodness - you have no idea how terrible this thing is - i can still hear it ringing in my ear. It's obnoxious - but it works. I step out into the apartment, from my room, and investigate.

Nothing.

Open our front door - confirmation that it is the entire building.

So what's the first thing I do?

And this my friends, is where I feel dumb. I go into my room and get changed. I was so non-chalant, it worried me afterwards. I think it's from living in residence and all the false alarms pulled in the middle of the night. You just assume it's not for real.

Mind you, walking out in shorts wouldn't have been a great idea - it was cold and wet outside. i was solo. I got bundled up in a hoodie and pants and shoes and scuttled down the stairs. Strangely enough, i was one of the first people out the building.

It was interesting. I was able to observe a lot of people from my building. We didn't socialize too much, more so cause half of the people were frozen - wearing t-shirts alone (smart - they probably left without getting changed - they'd live through a real fire). I realized that there are some super friendly people in my building (which is encouraging) and then i met a posse of three girls that i felt were straight out of high school. Not age wise - attitude wise. They were being so rude to our super's wife - i couldn't believe it. Just snide and obnoxious. I was sad for them.

Three fire engines show up. And with the flip of a button - all is fixed. Wow - that was way too easy. Culprit - apparently someone in apartment 101 was making toast. I have no idea if their 'in-apartment' alarm was buzzing before the entire building went. I truly hope there is a delay in widespread alarm blitzes.

The soundtrack of my life.

On the road this morning, i popped in my Delirious Album - The Mission Bell (which i do plan on passing to Shawna if i can ever remember the darn thing). It's golden. At least - i have enjoyed it since my days on The Storm where I first discovered the album in Chris Jones' family van. It pulled me through a great deal of 24 hr days.

Anyway - i was listening to track number 11 today - and it's like i heard the lyrics for the first time- this one part just stood out to me.

The first song, Take off my Shoes' excerpt:

Why did you call, why did you wait,
For someone so guilty, someone so fake.

It's best if you know the entire context of the song - but basically, it's a love song for God. It's about this person who is so desperately seeking His presence but will never fully understand it. He is sitting there, in the presence of God, and still doesn't understand how he was blessed to be sitting with Him. It speaks of our shear and desperate desire for His presence. It's honestly the most mind numbing thing to grasp - why does God want to love me? Why me? Why you? Despite everything that we do - it's the most beautiful relationship. Anyway - for some reason this part of the song just stood out to me. Most likely because of how I've been feeling especially with how i have treated certain people in my life. I am really hard on myself when it comes to how i treat others. I always want them to know how much I appreciate them and how much I care and value their presence in my life. That isn't always what comes across - because, well, i'm a human, and i fall a bunch, and on the way down, i trip others around me.

And there is the beauty of these lyrics applied to your own life. It doesn't matter how many times I trip, it doesn't matter how much I faulter, God still wants me - He is still waiting and He is still calling out to me. He will not give up on me. I sin, you sin, we all do - and I don't mean to blame this on our human nature - but in the one sense, it really is why we sin. We aren't as strong as we want to be all the time. We are tempted by the beauty of sin desire. It is easier to sin sometimes - or so it would seem. There is a spiritual warfare happening around us - and we are all targets.

But that doesn't matter. It's where your heart lies that is important - and that's amazing. It's not a veto card that allows you to actively sin or whatnot - that's not the goal here. You are supposed to actively pursue a holy life - one that is godly - walk in the shoes that He left for you to journey in. I want to do good. He knows I want to do good. I want forgiveness. He provides. He will sit and wait for me. He will call out my name. He will knock at my door - until I go home. Until the new life. He has a patience and love that no man will ever fully understand - because we were not created with the same capacity - that's why this love from Him is so baffling.

But I accept it.

There is another song, Our God reigns, which doesn't so much apply to my moment, but whose lyrics really resonated with me when I first heard them. It's like with any song, you hear it over and over again, and then one day you really take notice of what is being said. Like a slap in the face.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’

Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.

Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,

God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.

Man oh man - isn't that just awesome??? Honestly, it's all I can think of when I hear it playing on the cd player in my car. God didn't screw up when he made you - you are beautiful. He thinks you are the most beautiful creature this world has ever seen. Every single one of you. That is by far one of the most encouraging and beautiful reassurances. God wanted you to be YOU. That's something I've tried to apply in my own life - love who i was created to be. Love who He wants me to be. Because He loves me. He wants to see my smile shine from Heaven high. He is watching for it every second of every day.

And He wants it from you too. Incredible.

Anyway - with our image obsessed north american society - these words are a desperate plea against our reality. What is it that you see in the mirror? I can't say that I always want to look in a mirror - more so because i don't always want to face who I am. Nobody does all the time. But each and every one of us was created to be here in this moment, in this situation, with these people, with these challenges, with these realities, with these smiles, with these tears... and no matter how hard you try to understand - you never will, so embrace that reality, and enjoy the moment however which way you choose to.

Cause God loves to parade you. And while you're walking on this earth's surface, you are shining bright in His eyes - and man oh man alive - you look incredible. And He can't get enough of you.

So good.

So incredibly empowering.

Leaving you with one last little piece of enjoyment...

The purchase was made today for four tickets to the Buffalo Bills game on Sunday, December 3rd, 2006 - where they will face off against the San Diego Chargers.

I am soooooo excited you have no idea. MY FIRST NFL GAME.

I've been looking forward to this for soooo long. I'm such a nerd.

and done.

I'm gonna go make some food. As for tonight - i haven't decided. I might actually just want to stay at home. It's still wet and rainy outside. I have stuff to get done around here. I might hit up a pool hall where some of my friends are celebrating the freedom of my pal Andrew - who apparently has been hooked up to IV tubes for two months??? I need an update. Also, my bella Silvia's birthday party is tonight. What to do?

None the less, the weekend is almost over (crushing my heart). But i absolutely look forward to tomorrow.

In the next edition of my blog...

upcoming work rumours

a possible bowling date next weekend

so exciting!