wouldn't ya know

Never underestimate the inviting effect of a pancake dinner.

So yummy.

Completely random side note - i think the company that produces the "Abreadcrumb and Fish" clothing line - is pretty witty. It might be due to the fact that I am an "Abercrombie and Fitch" fan. It might also be because I'm a Christian. But none the less...it's fun.

have you met my new friend?

Yup.

A new stupid phone.

And so NOT my choice.

My unfaithful motorola died today. Like - white screen died. And now, my screen doesn't turn on at all. Yuck.

With only seven and a half months to go until I left, I was really praying that it would last me just until i got onto that plane. Even though, most of my phone calls were being cut off near the 10mins mark due to some issue my phone was having with accepting longer phone conversations. Try to explain to your grandparents why you hung up on them after 10mins on the phone. Poo.

So i had to buy a new phone. My circumstances - leaving in 7.5months, and not wanting to sign a new 2-3 year contract with rogers - left me with ONE option. A much music pay as you go phone. See - this phone pictured here on my blog - that's sexy compared to the one i own. I have a green holographic much music logo on the back of my phone. And MM video clips and vj photos locked into my phone. A courtesy?

Oh - and to add to the phone - there are four whitey/transparent rubber grips around the phone - and they LIGHT UP when the phone rings. With bright yellow, red and green lights. Ack. ugh ugh ugh

Anyway. I'm so happy that I was able to get something and not sign onto another contract. Some of you might be asking why i didn't just omit the idea of a cell all together. Sadly, in the film industry, your cell number identifies you.

I guess there was a bonus that we discovered as i wept over the loss of my phone book and my datebook (all logged into the other phone - i tell you people - RETURN TO PEN AND PAPER - DO NOT TRUST THESE MACHINES - they steal your information and never plan on returning it to you - ack!!!). It has a camera - which i can make videos with, and at least change the background from the obnoxious Much music logo. It also has voice recordings (yes, typical for most phones) but with only FOUR ring options - i have opted to create my own ring for my phone by voice recordings. We thought we could create a video to be my screen saver, but alas, it did not work. But now i have a silly video of kim dancing and laughing.

The bonus that i really see in this phone is that it is quad band. So i can bring it to NZ and hook it up there and it will work.

Alleluia. Not a complete loss of money.

Why does life cost you money when you are unemployed?

I have to tell you about my rib making adventures with Brent last Saturday (cause i photo journaled it). Next time.

I hope to find out about this one job tomorrow. None the less, I'll be doing a few days for a friend of mine next week. Which will be nice.

My laptop battery is in. Yay. I rescue it tomorrow morning.

And in the afternoon I plan on going skating with Shawna.

Next Monday - my doctor consultation about vaccinations. Wow - it's all coming together.

It's Wednesday night. I can't wait for Friday.

I think our feet deserve more credit in life

- Tobermory, September 16th, 2006

Where my feet have been.

A new blog.

To log my progress as I prepare for NZ.

Otherwise, I'll just have a bunch of nerdy posts about how many miles I hiked each day and stories about new equipment purchased. Although, that might make me smile, I don't want to overwhelm this blog with such information.

If that kind of stuff excites you, as it does me, you can visit my alternate blog.

And if you hike with me on Saturday mornings, don't be surprised if you find yourself on my blog.

hollow

I can't say that I love these days - where it honestly starts to feel like you're not good enough for anything.

Maybe it was just the day, maybe it's just some sort of hormone thing (cause you know you can't control those), maybe it's the strain of waiting to find out - about the union, about new job offers, about the future. It's the stress of knowing that with every week that I'm not working, more of my 'trip money' will be dipped into. It's the worry about the state of this industry in Toronto. It's trying to find the balance, and trying not to worry, because I trust God, but the human flaw to internally stress about these things. The unknown. Because I guess, when you're unemployed, you have a lot of time to think about that sort of thing. You very seldomly find time to enjoy the 'time off', because you're more focused on where your next contract will come from.

Maybe it was just the cherry on top of it all, but last night, i couldn't take it anymore.

It's like, when you hear something, and it's just like "okay." you take a step back. "okay. you win world. hopefully, only this time."

I just didn't feel good enough anymore.

So I didn't go out. Cause I wouldn't fit in. And getting back onto my elevator to go back into my little apartment, sucked.

So instead, Kim and I hung out last night. And together, we enjoyed watching television shows that had been taped and on dvd, until i fell asleep on the couch. Mindless television. Cause sometimes, that really does help.

Side note: I actually really miss watching the news. To know what is going on around the world. Seriously. I picked up the "Town Crier" (a local yonge & eglinton neighbourhood newspaper) from our lobby and the first article i read "police have found local man who has been accused of several sexual assaults in the neighbourhood". Uh!?! Huh??? That's good to know that there was a threat, AFTER the fact.

-----

This morning I spent about a half hour sitting on my balcony. In my ducky grandma pants, long johns (cause yeah, it's cold), the tank tops that I still had on from last night's outing attempt, a roxy sweater, and that ridiculously flowery blanket wrapped around my body.

Because this morning, the bright yellow cast of sunlight on the balcony wall was too inviting not to spend a few moments outside just sitting.

Praying. Knowing that I'll never be good enough in my own eyes for Him, but knowing that He loves the crap out of me. And you know what, it just makes you smile when you realize that.

Heaven doesn't have a dress code.

thank goodness!

I forgive you...

Bell, Canada.

Despite the years of torturous 'customer service'. Despite the ignorant phone operators that I've had to sit with for HOURS on end throughout my 8 years of renting services from you. Despite the constant billing issues from past accounts. Despite your attempts to bill for unused services - which seems to be your forte. Despite all the problems, even though you put your "customers first".

I forgive you, corporate phone overseer. I understand that it's not your fault that you are the largest communications company in Canada. You're probably just adjusting to the fact that you grew to be so big. We, the customers, will be here allowing you to adjust as we wait for you to smile once again.

I forgive you for being Bell Canada.


And breathe - That feels better.

-----

We had a great sermon on Sunday about Forgiveness. (Matthew 18) Mind you everything about church on Sunday was amazing. Colin lead the one-man worship - with his guitar and kick. David preached. We were on setup/tear down. And it was a gorgeous day.

But the sermon was fantastic. Something that every person in the room could relate to. Whether is was a positive influence or bore a negative reaction. The reality stood there - we all need to learn to forgive. Every corner of darkness in our lives, no matter how dark, requires our attention and focus. At some point or another.


David posted a definition on the projector for us. Although, I can't quite remember who the author of the definition is.

"Forgiveness is agreeing to bear the consequences of another person's sin against me, without holding it against them."

A simple scenario. Someon has done something against you - whether it was something they said, or something they did. This event/action has a negative effect on you - it hurt you, lead to something else hurting you (physically or emotionally). Forgiveness means basically - you cannot claim revenge on this person who did you wrong, you cannot hate the person who did you wrong, and you cannot make the person who did you wrong pay for what they did. Forgiveness means that you cannot hold them in the wrong. Forgiving someone is the ability to free your heart of the darkness that this person's actions/words may have caused for you. You cannot bear the hurt - it is something that they must carry. It's the act of freeing your heart of the darkness.


The hardest thing in the world to do properly - for everyone I would imagine, is forgiving... everything. Including yourself. Yet, this act is the most important in so many ways.

Confronting your past. Making peace with your past.

Forgiveness. To forgive someone does not mean that you must allow them to hurt you again. You can protect yourself from their words, their actions, their presence. And protect yourself you must. But moving on in life. Freedom of the past. Releasing anger, frustration, hurt.


Breathing.


To breathe again.


My debt to God is unimaginable. Matthew 18's parable of the unmerciful servant is a reminder of this debt. I thank God every day for giving us His only Son, who bore all of our sins upon that cross that one day.

And because of this, I can breathe. A little easier. I still must stand up and learn to forgive a little more with every passing day. Until I can freely offer forgiveness to all those hurts, all those shadows, all those tears.

But my goodness, how good it is to know how loved you are. To know that you are forgiven by Him.

It makes me want to wake up in the morning.

-----

We enjoyed a very lovely dinner at the Kit Kat Club after church on Sunday. That's the one on King Street with the two cow halves jetting out of the building.

Just Brent and I. And it felt like we were the only two people in the room. It's funny how you honestly can tune out an entire world around you.

Great place. Very cozy. It can pull off the uber romantic theme, or just chilled out vibe. The wait staff was great. The decor was fun. And there is a wishing tree that grows through the restaurant.

-----

I woke up Monday morning to the sound of ice pellets hitting my window. You have no idea how overjoyed I was. After thanking God that i didn't have to be driving on the roads (which is the first time in a long time in a silly snowfall). I rejoiced in the beauty of what winter is. I was so excited for the season to finally arrive. To go skating, to go toboganning, to have a snowball fight.
Mind you - i had a snow ball fight (mini) two Sundays ago. I would say that I lost, cause my first snowball missed, and the second one was stolen from me. But it was fun.

I love winter.

Especially when the season finally allows for the snow to remain on the ground.

I'm buying ice skates after dinner tonight. For my date with the Fraynes this Saturday.

Also, this saturday, i'm attempting, with the few pots that i own, to make my mother's ribs and potato salad.

Yummy.

AND - i hope to make my first trek down Bayview this Saturday with my backpack. Maybe. If not - next Saturday for sure.

And - I still haven't heard anything from the union. It's Wednesday. I am praying that they call me today - but it's already 3.16pm.

Glimmer goes to camera on January 29th.

oh - and finger - it's doing fine. Hurts a TON. But it is healing. I might not even really scar - which in the end, is something you almost want - the 'war wound' as I like to call it. Proof that an incident occured. A reason to tell a story. I guess if i don't scar, i'll always have this blog. :p

AND - my BBH pamphlet came in the mail today. The planning is a happening. Quickly.

Here's what not to do...

Catch a piece of broken glass that's falling.

So last night, our skating plans went into hiatus because I'm an idiot.

Talking on the phone with Goose, making dinner and deciding that I was thirsty - not the greatest of combinations for multi-tasking aparently. I had just finished making perogies. I was hungry. I was about an hour away from heading out the door to spend the night skating and watching a movie. I was thirsty. With the phone to my ear with one hand, I reached up to the cupboard to pick up one of my favorite big beer glasses from Ikea, when something catches my eye. Completely distracted, the glass started to slip. When I went to stop it, it hit one of the shelves and began the process of shattering. Sadly, I ended up putting my hand underneath the downfall of glass to try and prevent the breaking. Luckily, I caught one of the larger broken pieces with my finger.

Caught as in the thick glass was lodged into my poor joint.

Ew?

I let it go and pulled my hand back right away, and that piece continued to fall and shatter some more. Cause at that point, the kitchen wasn't enough of a glass landmine site.

Still on the phone, but holding a flap of my skin down, not really wanting to see how deep the cut was - i ran into the bathroom. Dripping blood but not wanting to turn on the tap - cause I just washed the stupid sink. And also not really wanting to pull away any pressure from my finger or even welcome the idea of feeling any pain.

"Hey Kim, can you do me a huge favor please?"

Poor Kimberley had to come and save the day by turning on the cold water and aiding me in trying to stop the bleeding.

Thank goodness my mother is a nurse, and sent me to University with a healthy first aid kit.

Relentless. A nice deep cut right on my stinkin' joint. The bleeding didn't stop for about an hour and a half. When i thought there was hope, I would take a look at it and everything would seem fine, and then the fine layer of red liquid would start again.

Dang it.

I was afraid of bending my finger.

On mother's advice - i went to the hospital. Especially cause I couldn't get the bleeding to stop. I felt stupid. Really stupid.

By the time I actually saw a doctor - somewhere between 8.30pm-8.45pm (the broken glass charade happened at 5.00pm or 5.01pm) - the bleeding had subsided.

I averted the lovely idea of stiches. Replaced by medical glue and a band-aid.

I am such a nerd. All of that for medical glue and a band-aid.

I am very lucky. I didn't sever my tendon.

By this morning - I think the glue disappeared into the hospital band-aid. I was supposed to keep it undisturbed for 48 hours. And fresh blood. Which concerned me a bit just cause i didn't want it to keep going.

It hurts - but it's honestly nothing compared to what it could have been if all those glass pieces had fallen into the palms of my hand. Ew ew ew.

You know you are loved when your boyfriend spends a Saturday night in the hospital ER with you smiling, laughing and playing Q20 and just hanging out. Thank you. I still am sorry that we didn't get to go skating last night.

Next weekend.

That my friends, is how I spent my weekend.

Oh - and a word of advice - which I learned as a young child. When you see broken glass, the broken edges may look very smooth and entice you to want to feel how smooth they might be. But don't. Cause I learned the hard way - that you get glass slivers and cuts that way.

So I now know NOT to touch what appears to be smooth glass - nor try to hinder the law of physics when it involves broken glass shards.

Right.

Although - most of you probably knew that already.

Yeah, well, i was like 8. And probably needed to experience it hands on.

okay then.

have a good sunday.

so apparently i lied

You can actually put Turner on the wheel in the background and let him have a run.

Funny.

And you can feed him strawberries. I guess he's a little more exciting now.

----------

We made meatloaf last night for dinner. My first 'meat, potato, vegetable' meal ever i think, in my own apartment. I think i've mastered my fear of the ground beef - with the assistance of the latex glove - but none the less. It was lovely. And it was yummy. Although - next time we plan to cook a whole meal, we should pre-plan it so that the ingredients don't arrive at my place after 8pm. Gulp. Late night dinners.

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Monday i find out if i'm in the union. If i get in, there is a very good chance that i have a job lined up. This is good. This is nervracking.

ACTRA and the CFTPA may also be fast approaching a decision in their strike dispute. Again, good news for all involved. The copyright issue with the new media is a much larger discussion than previously thought and i do believe there is hope that they will settle the payment dispute and settle the strike issue, THEN revisit the copyright situation.

But who knows.

Praying for guidance with work. Knowing that He's working His magic, and allowing His path to be shown. So far, I see that He might have bought me the right amount of time.

----------

I visited Travel Cuts yesterday. I am very much excited for this trip. A new route was shown to me yesterday which will help me get to Chengdu a lot easier. I am very excited to where this could lead me.

I also bought an item off my checklist - a waterproof/rip-proof NZ map. Not the biggest item on the list - but an item none the less. And I also picked up a great little book called "Tramping in NZ" - it shows all the great tramps you can take, insight into the hut system, the costs and the day count, level of fitness per tramp. I hope that i might have time to do all the routes when I'm there. But who knows. Maybe it'll give me a reason to return one day.

Last new item to report was the purchase of hiking sandals. Went on a shopping mission to buy boots with Shawna, and came back home with very much discounted KEEN sandals. Good buy.

Score to my family - for I received a compass (thank you Michael), binoculars (thank you fake Michael) and a very generous MEC gift certificate (thank you santa parents) for Christmas. So exciting.

To me at least. And if i'm the only one who finds great joy in these little nerdy outdoorsy things, that's cool.

I haven't nabbed my pack yet - but i hope to sneak in some time before setup tomorrow. Which means I might be dragging poor Brent for another round of MEC shopping (poor guy). :o)

----------

I have been logging all the food I've been eating lately. That might sound strange - but it's a commitment to myself and into eating healthy. It's true - if you honestly write down everything you eat, and you KNOW you will be doing this - you make a little bit more of an effort to eat a little better. I eat healthy when i'm not working - but once i'm on a show - there is no time, the food is generally catered and not the healthiest of choices (awesome to know you have free food, but you have to be very careful), and sneaking in Wine Gums to make up for low blood sugar, becomes a sport for me. So this is to try to set me up for my next show. To see if I can maintain sugar self control and proper eating schedule despite the hours I work.

I'll let you know how that works out for me.

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Laughing.

I'm really happy in my life.

Because I choose to be. Sometimes I feel crummy, but accepting that it's a crummy day, allows me to filter out the bad and get back to smiling again. Shit happens - right? Honestly - probably not my best week this one that just passed. Not that it was bad - but there was a lot of moments where things were providing more clarity in places i didn't necessarily want to see. Bringing up the past and learning to conquer over the dark spots in your life. Everyone has them. They allow you to appreciate the honesty of your smile. The dark spots, and the art of getting rid of them, the load it lifts from your heart, that can bring forth great happiness.

I think people have forgotten the art of laughter.

I laugh a lot. You make me laugh a lot.

My family, very funny people. We laugh a lot.

God - very funny. He has a great sense of humour - trust me, I spent an entire summer laughing with Him. Clever sense of humour.

Genuine laughter. It feels good.

I was asked last night if I ever cried out of joy. And I have. There is the laugh so much you just need to cry, and then there's the overjoyed moments where your body has NO IDEA how to react so it cries - because expressing it is impossible. Which in the end is kind of funny - we are so limited with how to react to things, even though we have such a great range of emotions. Which might sound like a contradiction - but it isn't if you really think about it. We are still limited in our ability to absorb certain moments. Our range isn't as great as what our body is able to feel.

Is it that our hearts are far more complicated than we want to admit? We do only use so much of our brain (that tiny little percent). Maybe we just don't know how to understand our hearts and true emotions.

I wonder if our brain's capacity affects our ability to experience humour. Cause some people think a lot more things in life are funny - or have a greater ability to laugh more often.

Hmmm

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Today is good. It's cold - which is good - which means snow might start to appear and STAY on the ground. Which means there is still hope for snowboarding this season.

Today is good. Already so many smiles.

I'm hopping on the Gazelle. Me and Tony Little have a date with fitness. Funniest thing in the whole world - a Tony Little Gazelle fitness video. But don't laugh too hard when you're on a fitness machine - I think it can give you cramps as it alters your breathing and whatnot.

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"Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back." ~anonymous~

Turner, the hamster

I created this little guy ions ago - but haven't been able to successfully publish him in my sidebar. So sadly, he has become a post. That's okay though - he's only highly entertaining for the first few seconds.

Cute is more like it.

Actually, i guess his colour kind of makes him look ill.

adopt your own virtual pet!

Please take a moment to enjoy my hamster and have him chase your mouse icon around. Since his running wheel is nothing more than a mural, chasing your mouse icon may be the only physical excercise he gets today. :p

He's slightly exorcistic too - which is kind of creepy.

the mixed feelings i have in regards to our Health Care System

Today. My long awaited specialist appointment. My specialist - the doctor I originally saw three years ago.

It's such a long and terrible story of the health system failing. And maybe more so a tale of a terrible family doctor that refused proper patient care. I'll never know.

All i know is that it's been a very long three years of not knowing, being dismissed, misdiagnosis, given tests upon tests upon tests, being shipped out to random doctors, retelling the entire history that grows with every new visit. Until today.

When i finally was reunited with my first specialist. Back in the same room at the same hospital in the same clinic. A wonderful staff. A caring attitude.

And finally - a diagnosis.


Why is it never in english???


Today i had a moment in the hospital, similar to the moment when I was diagnosed with osgood schlatter's disease back in high school, in terms of hearing the diagnosis and having the dumbfounded 'huh?' reaction.

Translation please? says the ignorant non-medically trained patient.

Thank goodness for the internet. You know that's the first thing I did when i got home - googled the dang term.

After three years, a treatment plan. Options. And when I read the websites online - it all just made sense.

FINALLY!!!!

This is why we have specialists!!! They are experts in different areas of the body. Very necessary for PROPER diagnosis.

I guess I now join the few who have been diagnosed with this seemingly rare condition. And enjoy the thought that there are already support groups that exist out there should I find the need to lean on someone down the road.

Your body is a funny wonderland of secrets. Thank goodness for all the advances in medecine.

a january of unemployment

And the film industry finds new reason to move out West.

Actra began their strike yesterday.

If you were on a show that was already in production (meaning you began filming prior to the Christmas holidays), your company most likely signed a letter of continuance in order to proceed with filming through the strike.

If you were working for a production that has yet to put anything in the can, you are most likely currently without employment.

Argh.

The silly problems holding back the film industry from flourishing in this city once again. SARS was a huge blow to Toronto. It has yet to fully recover from the effects of that summer. Now with this ACTRA strike along with the possible premature closure of Cinespace's Queens Quay studio space (MT28), we may be looking at a severe decline in production work in Eastern Canada.

Here's to hoping the strike doesn't last too long.

Everything happens for a reason...and with that attitude, I honestly look forward to seeing what comes of this strike and the online petition to save our industry from more bruises.

Living within the boundaries of a calendar year.

my internet is wonky. for some reason the wireless doesn't reach my room on a regular basis. i have since switched to direct ethernet connection. no more long vacations from my blog.

happy 2007 everyone.

i'm not a big new year's fan. i don't get hyper excited about celebrating the end of the previous year. i generally like to keep new year's eve pretty low key. and for the most part, i think it's silly to proclaim new year's resolutions, when you know a great majority of people will slowly lose touch with their intentions.

I'm not taking away from the fact that reflecting on the previous year can be very fruitful and is very important. It's good to look back on what you have accomplished over a period of time - so that you can see your growth and see what you still need to focus on.

But then again, why be discouraged when you fail to fully achieve a new year's resolution, and give up after a few weeks.

The best example of this are in gym facilities across north america - who see their peak season in January/February. And then slowly, the crowds start to fade and the regulars can reclaim their machines in a timely fashion.

Every day is a new day. Happy new day to you.

January first is just another day in the calendar year. Every day should be seen as a time to be better and to do more in life. Every day is a chance to live stronger. Living your life one day at a time can bring forth a simple joy and sense of accomplishment.

2006. How can you categorize a year? You can't. Every year is great. Every year sucks. How you embrace the greatness and the suckiness makes up how your year was - how successful it was. A year of turmoil could be the most successful year you ever see. Blessed are those who can embrace both sides to every story - learn, grow and live through the moments presented to them.

Embrace your yesterday.

my 2006. was good. A LOT of growth - especially spiritually. There was a lot of bad - don't get me wrong - but from the bad, I chose to survive, not fall. From the bad, I have grown a great deal in my faith - especially in the later half of the year. From it, I was able to embrace so many wonderful blessings. New place, new friends, new relationship, new jobs, new smiles, new tears, new eyes.

my 2007. what blessings i might experience this year are not up to me to decide. but i do look forward to certain new phases of my life. i do look forward to new employment. i do look forward to becoming an aunt this year. i do very much look forward to taking that first step onto an airplane to begin the long awaited journey to NZ.

my trip.

it changes almost every day. where i want to go, for how long.

How much should your new life influence what's to come?

buying the backpack. i want to start training in under two weeks. this will entail hiking every weekend with the pack on my back. from my house all the way down bayview avenue to the queen street construction zone, and back home again. slowly building up the weight until i reach my pack's ultimate weight.

buying the backpack isn't as easy as it would seem. Most women's packs are made for curvier women, they don't sit properly on my body, and then most men's packs' belt straps are too wide for my waist. Fun predicament.

i smile.

this is going to be an interesting year.

The hidden blessings. The things that He has planned for me that I have yet to discover.

I can tell you how much i appreciate the blessings that He poured into my life in 2006.

Things that i don't deserve. But things that He wants to give me because I am His.

I'm down with that. :)