hollow

I can't say that I love these days - where it honestly starts to feel like you're not good enough for anything.

Maybe it was just the day, maybe it's just some sort of hormone thing (cause you know you can't control those), maybe it's the strain of waiting to find out - about the union, about new job offers, about the future. It's the stress of knowing that with every week that I'm not working, more of my 'trip money' will be dipped into. It's the worry about the state of this industry in Toronto. It's trying to find the balance, and trying not to worry, because I trust God, but the human flaw to internally stress about these things. The unknown. Because I guess, when you're unemployed, you have a lot of time to think about that sort of thing. You very seldomly find time to enjoy the 'time off', because you're more focused on where your next contract will come from.

Maybe it was just the cherry on top of it all, but last night, i couldn't take it anymore.

It's like, when you hear something, and it's just like "okay." you take a step back. "okay. you win world. hopefully, only this time."

I just didn't feel good enough anymore.

So I didn't go out. Cause I wouldn't fit in. And getting back onto my elevator to go back into my little apartment, sucked.

So instead, Kim and I hung out last night. And together, we enjoyed watching television shows that had been taped and on dvd, until i fell asleep on the couch. Mindless television. Cause sometimes, that really does help.

Side note: I actually really miss watching the news. To know what is going on around the world. Seriously. I picked up the "Town Crier" (a local yonge & eglinton neighbourhood newspaper) from our lobby and the first article i read "police have found local man who has been accused of several sexual assaults in the neighbourhood". Uh!?! Huh??? That's good to know that there was a threat, AFTER the fact.

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This morning I spent about a half hour sitting on my balcony. In my ducky grandma pants, long johns (cause yeah, it's cold), the tank tops that I still had on from last night's outing attempt, a roxy sweater, and that ridiculously flowery blanket wrapped around my body.

Because this morning, the bright yellow cast of sunlight on the balcony wall was too inviting not to spend a few moments outside just sitting.

Praying. Knowing that I'll never be good enough in my own eyes for Him, but knowing that He loves the crap out of me. And you know what, it just makes you smile when you realize that.

Heaven doesn't have a dress code.

thank goodness!