a marriage of the good and the bad.

sometimes it's hard to face yourself in the mirror.

i'm finding today to be one of those days. i'm in a terrible funk.

my words are not my own. it's a struggle.

over the last month I have absorbed so many words from people around me, and somewhere in the middle, i lost my filter and things started to build up. the good & the bad. trapped in a similar pocket of contemplation.

and deciphering my feelings is difficult.

i thank God for every blessing He has provided in my life. i also thank Him for the less attractive things in my life - because they too need attention and in the end, facing these things will complete who I am as a person.

words are like daggers. your spirit can only take so much before wanting to explode.

i feel that i'm at a point of overload.

the beauty of the words provided to my spirit far outweigh the shadows.

the light still shines.

the beautiful things that you say to me honestly make a difference in my day. you will never understand to what extent.


i want to be open.

oh, the hiccups.

i am afraid that i will build a wall around me that no one can penetrate. it's a defence mechanism. we all seek a different kind of shelter when dealing with our shadows.

why can't i just be me? i feel as though i am letting people down everywhere i turn.

i am happy with where I am in my life right now. i wish they could understand.

tomorrow has come.

i just want my workday to be done.

maybe all i needed was a hug.

maybe i'm just being a girl.

ugh.

change of season

in Tobermory, i discovered that i really have no skills when it comes to skipping stones. i was proud if my stone bounced off the water once.

funny.

i still enjoyed watching the boys toss the largest stones they could find and still manage to have them skip across the water's surface.

i saw a card the other day and absolutely loved what was written on it's cover.

When I see you, my heart starts smiling. I'm tripping over rainbows.

it was just a nice smile to read last week.

i'm contemplative today. it's tuesday. i wish it was wednesday.

i have much to say - to everyone really. i am in a talkative mood, yet i'm holding back. i don't know if it's a practice of patience or something on my part - but i'm curious about what is holding me back.

i have a white bean in my altoids box. it now smells like cinnamon. it is my reminder of my 20mins date. every day, i will spend at least 20mins meeting with God in the scripture. i am really excited about this. at church on Sunday, i was staring at this silver bowl at the front, near the pulpit and i didn't know what it was for. i was in conversation with God and at one point i wanted so much to see His face. i was looking for Him in the reflective surface. then the announcement came about the beans. on my journey to the communion table, i took two beans. one for me to keep. my reminder. one to put in the bowl, kind of like an anti - to let God know that I want to be a part of His challenge. and for a moment, I met Him. standing beside the silver bowl.

i'm walking a new life with Him. I am very much in need of his presence and am truly looking forward to spending that time with him every night, on my balcony, looking over the darkened city. thinking. praying.

my heart is smiling. i'm terribly distracted.

you feel right.

admitting the hidden truth

my heart feels more peaceful today.

tobermory was exactly what i needed.

short trip with the boys. the hiking was peaceful and beautiful. sitting by the lake at night, lost in thought, staring at the stars and wondering.

masked by night time, you can find your voice.

i have much to say on Tobermory. much will be posted soon.

my canon came out of the box for the camping trip - and the pictures look great (will post when internet finds its way onto my computer).

i fell off a boulder. actually, two boulders. and i walked away with only a bruised upper left shin and a bruised left forearm. very lucky girl - right here. although, the rest of my body is now in a state of achy-ness. and i've had a few bouts of mild vertigo over the last two days. it could have been worse. my head could have connected with the jagged rocks.

i think we're firing Bell. tired of the lack of customer service assistance in dealing with our internet, rogers may have won us over for cable internet.

softball championship game last night. 6 people showed up. funny. we played none the less, 3 on 3. the rain left us calling the game after the third inning. with the most random regulations, red team scored one point. blue team walked away with strong attempts, but no dice. we're rescheduling the real game for october.

skydiving this weekend is being put on hold. rain is forecasted. i would prefer to be at home setting up my room none the less.

my mind is racing. beating around the bush to find the truth to unspoken thoughts. distance is subjective. even nearby, it feels just beyond my grasp. such a strange feeling.

i'm curious. i'm nervous.

when i think about it, i smile.

time away - counting down the hours

my soul is fried. too much has been happening in my world lately - emotionally, physically, work wise - everything. i was best described last night as being frazzled. scatter brained - unable to complete my thoughts in an effective way. just tired and drained. everything has been weighing heavily on my heart.

i moved two weekends ago. and i'm soooo thankful and happy to be at this new place. i welcome amazing sun rises in the early hours and spend solo time on the balcony every night before going to bed. but alas, i'm still living among boxes. it's kind of like a game of Rush Hour (that traffic jam puzzle game) - the boxes keep shifting around to make different arrangements barely leaving a pathway to move around. It's been a very strategic cleaning game. It's not that bad actually...but it's ever shifting. my bed is like a cave right now - with walls of boxes all around it - it's slightly amusing to wake up to in the mornings.

last night was spent eating cake with my roomates Kim & Hannah (Andrew - your baking rocks!! i don't know how my skor cake will compare to your apple pie). baking cookies until like 1am because there was far too much batter - which included the mandatory 'test a cookie from every batter' instilled upon my roomates. and sorting through all my boxes to find all my camping supplies.

i'm leaving tomorrow morning for Tobermory, Ontario. I have been looking forward to travelling there all summer long. Everyone i speak to simply loves it there. Sadly, it will be a short trip, but so worth it. This weekend has been set aside on standby for this trip for a long time coming.

early drive. long hikes. extremely beautiful weather. if we're lucky, maybe the northern lights. solo time alone on a cliff - it's going to be amazing.


Have a good weekend everyone.

ps - internet update - lucky us Bell sent a NON-working modem. that's two down. what will they mail us next. we're lucky if we get the internet next week (sad)

pss - remembering the blessings that are our weekends. all smiles.

back blogged

the stories that have yet to be told.

i don't have internet at home yet - and it's creating a huge hiccup in my blogging life.

today is the last day of main unit production on Naturally, Sadie. The end of a show is always filled with mixed emotions. You are going to miss the people. You are stressed about the next job.

Today was not my best day. I'm feeling very unsettled. much is going on in my life and i don't know how to place myself among all the happenings.

thank goodness for my APC Julie P, and her Lindt surprise to cheer me up. A Lindt ghost choco pop - milk & white chocolate happiness.



i bought a digital camera last weekend - my Canon Powershot sd700 was $100 off - and out the door I was. I'm going to test it out this weekend when I head up to Tobermory for a short but well needed trip away from my city moment.

my finger's splintless now. kind of feels off at times - but much better than it was before.

i have so much to say. no where to start. a flustered mind that lacks its usual organization.

this has been going on for weeks now.

thank goodness that He is with me every step of the way. church was sooooo amazing on Sunday - words will never do it justice. and that my friends, is getting me through this week.

rough start - praying for a smooth ending.

stay tuned - we should have internet by this week...

the oddities of today

It's 3am. And I'm not tired. I only slept about 1.5 hours last night - so I'm thinking my Saturday night might be slightly rough.

Softball at Moss Park tonight was a miss. Only five of us showed up again. :p

On top of that we were competing for our outfield with two different soccer games (little kids and then the big kids).

Due to the turnout, we decided to have a nice little practice. It was entertaining - as they generally are when there are so few of us - and when we're not always on the ball. Many laughs have been shared.

So i have found out over the weeks of playing softball, that I actually really like playing first base. I have come to terms with not being a good 2nd baseman or short stop, and my inability to catch pop flies (a judgement problem) makes me less useful in the outfield - my second favorite position might have to be 3rd base (there's just something about the base extremities).

So everything seemed to be going well tonight. The lights once again slowly shed light upon our darkening field. We were finishing up our batting practice with Shawna, who had to try to keep the balls in the infield - as part of our outfield had been coned off and claimed for a soccer game's boundaries. A nice hit in the infield, i take my place with one foot on the base and the ball comes right at me, with a bounce on the ground (i think?) and whap - right in the glove. If she was running, she'd be out.

But wait a minute. What did i do here? I'm feeling terrible pain within my glove. I call myself out of the game, and the guys toss the ball around as i try to figure out what to do. I ask if Rob could cover the first base, cause i didn't think I'd be able to catch anymore balls tonight. Then after thinking about it for a minute, and being coxed by my teamates, i head over to the dugout to seak medical attention. Luckily, shawna is a nurse. :)

Don't be alarmed folks - it's only my finger. Only a finger!?! That's right - i busted up a stinkin' finger. But not just any finger...this my friends, is a re-injury from a finger that actually continues to give me pain every once and a while since that lovely football game for the Budweiser cup round robin at York U.

I severely damaged two fingers back on the fall day, while catching a pass during practice. Yup, not even during the game. I snapped back two fingers when i jumped to nab a high pass. Caught the ball - but that didn't matter anymore. We ended up taping my finger with scotch tape that someone on the other team happened to have with his bag. Played with the injury, and it worsened through the game.

Over the next two weeks, two kinesiology students from my rez house would help me by taping up my fingers every day before i would head off to classes. I could not straighten my finger - it hurt a great deal if I tried and also it felt very heavy. I was desperately swollen then. I went home two weeks later for Thanksgiving and my sister and I headed out to pick up a finger splint to help with the healing. When I asked the pharmacist what she might suggest for this type of injury (expecting to hear something simple) she looked at me and said 'if it's been two weeks and you can't straighten it, i think you need to go to the hospital to get checked'. I thanked her for her suggestion, grabbed a finger splint and left. There's no way i'm going to spend hours at a hospital to confirm what i already know - they can't help me with such a silly injury (i thought).

So i didn't. I just shoved my poor finger into this splint (ouch man). After only a few hours in the splint - i realized I now had a new problem. I no longer can bend my finger.

Oy. I'm not winning here.

So - in the end, it took another month to actually heal (as much as possible). But i continue to have recurring pains in both that finger and the one I broke playing basketball.

This brings us to tonight. I know for a fact that it is how I caught the ball that messed me up - cause i felt my finger jab down hard. The ball drove all its pressure onto that one spot - my one finger.

Thanks be to Shawna for taping up my fingers together, even though I could no longer continue with the game. The tape really did help a great deal - cause once I took it off - the pain rushed back.

So that's my story. And this my friends is what i'm going to look like for the next little while (although it's the finger next to the pinky that is injured - and it's on my Left hand.

At the moment, I can't really straighten it - but having the cot on is so very lovely.

Also to note - my injury marked the end of practice - Dan called it. Boo me for being a bum.


I'm still packing. Even though I have a TON of boxes, it's still not enough. Man, living in one place - you really do collect a lot of junk. I can't wait to sort through it all.

Random smiles of the day. Keith's monstrous Kinder Surprise collection on his office desk. Kevin & Keith doing the robot - even though I missed the live action event, the thought alone would make you giggle. Besides, K did a dance in the prod office for all to enjoy afterwards. :p Anna for being so generous (honestly, hun). First dibs on Sadie's bed. The set dec boys for the panel van. That guy who was rollerblading with custom made rollerblades - it looked like he was moonwalking when he would power his way down the street. The hula dancer on the panel van's antenna.

Today felt like the last day at work - there was something in the air. Just under two weeks to go - crazy. I have to start looking for another job. And then, I don't really want to say goodbye to this gang. I'm too social at work - I'm going to get in trouble for this one day.

Other work things. Chris came by for a visit after ending an early day at the CBC. He bought me a Jesus action figure that has been made into a pen holder by the boy. Funny - but don't worry, it's a respectable figurine. There is an entire story behind this - that started back at the beginning of the show. Short form - we are located in a catholic school, one day chris finds this coloured image of a disciple and decides to tape it to our 'TO SET' box. He claimed it was Jesus. I did not agree. Yada yada yada - he finds this toy and tells me about this levitating Jesus action figure and how he wants to buy it for me. Shows up today with it - but the dang figurine doesn't do so well on the levitating action.

I was late for work today and felt off for the rest of the day. That sucked - but it's okay, cause tomorrow offers new beginnings.

Aight - i'm so tired now (what a difference typing a blog makes). So i'm either going to go nap (pray that i wake up early...) or continue packing. Last night in this apartment.

Moving stories to come.

I'm going to miss living on Manor. : (

Blessings.