The choices we make

I'm ready.

MEC awaits and I'm longing to buy my gear and head onto the long road to everywhere.

A week ago today we were all scattered through Toronto and Hamilton trying to tie up all the loose ends to our film. I have many posts to submit - that kept deleting on me as they were being typed out. So expect delayed stories of the film. It was a great shoot - had a blast on the last day because we were able to spend it with the cast & crew. We were out of Hamilton, so we didn't have our laptops or any paperwork for that matter.

I think that I'm finished with Toronto. If I'm able to, I'd like to get onto one more show and then move along. I need to beef up my bank account before I head out to NZ. I have learned a lot from the last film, and most importantly, I have been able to realize my potential. I have much room to grow - and I look forward to meeting new people in the film industry and growing with them. My biggest interest is to learn the aspects of raising funds for a film and budgeting.

That's film. But it's not all that I want to be in life. I desire the travel aspect of life so very much. I crave it. The longer I sit and wait for it to happen, the more it hurts.

I've had a lot of time to think about my situation in the last week - more so cause my brain was fried and I had no real option but to sit and think and pray. The biggest thing that kept going through my head was this question: "Who am I living my life for?". I feel like this path that I have always dreamt about is fading away. I put others first in my life and sometimes I forget where I want to go. I don't want to live with regrets - I don't want to be 40 years old still dreaming about what it would have been like to backpack around the world. I just have to go do it. I have no ties - Oscar left me in November for a loving family, Malcolm and I have parted ways, I'm a contract worker, and my family is ever suportive of my travelling bug. They should be - my parents planted it into us at a young age with our trip to Hong Kong.

So I'm ready. I just have to figure out the date.

I had a nightmare the other night. It was a restless sleep with a lot of tossing around and nervous twitches. It was about my laser eye surgery. I woke up worried and spent hours researching this surgery even more through the morning hours. I was reading all the positive testimonials and the horror stories. But one stood out like soar thumb - a decade long story of this one guy whose eyes were horribly damaged by lasik eye surgery. Now, you have to understand that I do a lot of research before undergoing lavish procedures - especially one that would put my vision at risk. I'm a research-aholic. It's important with the financial commitment this surgery would entail and also the possible side effects that could ensue. So as I was reading this one guy's story, understanding fully that his procedure was done in 1996, and much much much has changed since then, but he posted a picture of doctor and him right after the procedure, and my jaw dropped. It was Dr. Stein, the same guy who is supposed to do my proceedure. I felt sick.

Ten years ago, LASIK was much different, but I spent hours reading more things - and many comments were popping out more than before. I read through the CMA's publications, the Canadian Ophthalmological Society's published document and tried to find every testimonial possible. The more I thought about it, the more I was just convinced. I don't want this surgery anymore. To see clearly is a wonderful dream - the idea of just waking up, opening my eyes and seeing the world around me ever so clear would be the most wonderful thing. To swim again without the stress of my contacts. To backpack without thinking about the stupid plastic lenses that cannot be in your eyes forever - yeah, it would be great to be rid of this. But the slightest chance that I could mess up my vision to a point where corrective lenses could not help me scares the crap out of me. Until this fear is subdued, I'm not ready. I might be at age 30, and that's fine, I can be happy and celebrate then - but I read some pretty disturbing stories about eye surgeries. And yes, the risks are the same with any surgery - and you might have problems, and you might not. You are playing the 'vision lottery' with this surgery. 1 in 10 canadians need follow up surgeries according to the COS' publication - something they don't mention to you. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just a second LASIK procedure. Most people do walk away seeing clearly on the day - problems start to happen within the 3 week mark. Most people can read the eye chart perfectly at 20/20 vision - but they don't mention the glare or haloing effect, or even the ghosting effects. I read medically published documents that had the side effects' actual numbers and they are so much higher than what you are made aware of. Yes, I might be lucky - and yeah, most people around me want to comfort me and tell me that the bad stuff won't happen to me - but I'm not ready to gamble with my vision - I'm too young. And fact is - the bad stuff happens to somebody - people out there just like me who are getting the surgery, are becoming statistics. We are waiting for technology to improve our chances of success, but the technology is changing all the time and we don't take the time to perfect before moving on. It's crazy. I read some intense stories - where testimonials of 'celebrities' are supported as they got the best treatment from the top machines. Then the same doctor cannot repeat that same success on a 'non celebrity'? It's insane!

That's my vent. But it's enough to make me truly appreciate the beauty of contact lenses and glasses. I have been praying about this situation for so long - and Malcolm said that maybe He will speak to me through other people. I kept hearing things like "It's a life changing experience" from people - but is it life changing for the good or for the bad? I'm over analyzing things now. I'm cancelling my appointment and celebrating what is to come. But first, I need to buy glasses that work for me (mine are like 7 years old - ugh - not the right prescription).

I am going to be joining a rock climbing gym with a girl from my church. Her name is Linda. I haven't climbed in like 2 years - and have been seeking a belaying partner for so long. She put a post on our church board (genious) and I immediately responded. I am very much looking forward to this. We are going to MEC tomorrow before going at the wall for the first time together at the Rock Oasis in Toronto. I've never climbed at this gym - but I'm so very much excited.

Magali and I went to the 3rd night of York U's 3rd year's film & video screening, last night. There's a mouthful. It was held at one of the new Arts buildings on campus - the Accolade East. It has a proper Cinema Lecture Hall. Nice. The adjustments made for the Fine Arts department are a long time coming. York is one of the few universities in Canada that offer Bachelor of Fine Arts degrees. It truly is nice to see the money going back into the fine arts department after all these long years of trying to make changes to the departments and our money being focused to other means outside of our own.

We went to support Meng, a production assistant from "The Storm". He was screening his film projects that he produced and production managed. Jim Fisher came by to say hello to us 'alumni' (so strange to hear that from a prof.). We also spent some time with Tereza Barta - one of the few profs at York who truly made a difference in how I viewed the art of production. There were a few hits (maybe 2) and a lot of misses (as is the norm with student films). It's insane how many projects this class produced. Their student count is like 50, in third year we were under 30 students. The year after our class graduated, they changed the entire curriculum. There are 'project classes' dedicated to directors - and hence we get 30+ films for third years and who knows how many in 4th year. Three nights is intense.

It was nice to be there - although awkward at times. Next week the fourth years are screening their projects.

I'm going to go make a salad. Trying to slowly introduce 'proper food' into my system again. The film really messed up my system - little sleep, no real food, too much pop & chocolate, and I lost some weight (between 5-10 lbs). Ugh. I cannot afford the loss at this point in time. Thin, but unhealthy. I need to work out more and eat right. I have high hopes for the summer. :)

Much to come. Enjoy the lengthy posts. :)

the warped sense of trying to lead a normal life

We have one week left of principal photography (spring unit). I am in Toronto for the Easter weekend - but it's almost surreal. You can't get into being at home all the way - because you know it's going to change all over again on Monday when you drive back out to Hamilton.

It will be nice to be back in the Tdot. However, being detached for so long, you really do miss things. I am very out of touch with the news and with friends.

Today will be my first time back at church in over a month (thank goodness I can go today). I have been in meetings and in Hamilton every Sunday prior to today. It's Easter Sunday today (Happy Easter!). I look forward to tonight's service. Also - our living room is on set up and tear down and I haven't seen the lot of them in so long - it will be awesome to catch up with the group.

My moment. Well, it's funny I guess. My head is supporting a nice yellowish bruise with my 'gash' type injury. Never did I have a cool looking purply/blue/black bruise. No, no - we skipped the good colours and now it looks like I've applied some sort of bad eye shadow in the center of my forehead. :) Nice.

We went to Delirious? last night. It was a great way to spend part of my Easter weekend. Their new album "The Mission Bell" has some great tracks, and I've never seen them live before. For me, it was a great experience - I was in a room filled with so many hundreds of other Christians. I am a bit newer to the Christian faith, and it's really incredible to see the world around you with open eyes. It was great to see the different people there last night who had taken part in the entire weekend of conferences. Went to the concert with Malcolm and Michael from Freedomize. Met up with Enoch and his friends and bumped into Anne Marie - it was a good time. Great music, Great company. TACF is a little out of the way, but the bus rides proved to be entertaining as well.

When we got to Eglinton West station - that was interesting. We were at the tail end of some kind of altercation. This one guy was pinned against the wall by two cops, two more were between him and the bus where what could be his girlfriend was screaming from the steps of the bus. The TTC officer was telling the bus driver to just leave, so we jumped on the bus and went for the ride, without the angry handcuffed man. There were so many people on the bus who had witnessed the incident, and no one talked about it. So we never did find out what happened.

I feel guilty. I abandoned a pepsi slushee on my way home last night. I bought it thinking it would be really refreshing, cause slushees are a real treat. Instead, it tasted chemically and processed. Yuck. I figured, I could afford to loose the $1.48 that it cost and abandon it, and hope that someone else would be moved to drink it instead. I wanted to save my stomach the pain of the yuck.

We had meatloaf last night. Though barely - Malcolm made it but we were running out the door by the time it was finished and ready to eat. Still so yummy. It was like our last meal together because he's moved home now. I can't wait to move out. :) Time for a change for sure!

I need to revisit writing that one blog of mine from the last two week's of the film world. It was deleted accidentally. Last week ended on a bad note. We were rained out of our last night (Thursday's shoot day). Rain was here to greet us for Good Friday. We didn't get all the shots we needed to get - and it might be a bigger problem than we know. Might mean rewrites. Todd is thinking about it this weekend.

At the head of the day (Thursday), the crew had begun on an interesting note. We have silver metal thick briefcases to hold our portable hard drive and P2 cards (the P2 cards are like our "film Mags" - they are what the images get captured onto, then they are dumped onto the portable hardrive, then erased and used again). Anyway, this guy walked through our set and started to run down the stairs and in his hand, he had our metal briefcase. Apparently Chris Jones came running around the corner yelling that someone had just walked off with our P2 cards and portable harddrive. Todd, Darryl, David and Kendall booted it down the stairs at full speed after this guy. Now, you don't really want any of these guys chasing you down the stairs - but especially not Todd leading the pack. They got to the guy and demanded him to open his case. I think at this point Darryl noticed that the case was very indented and couldn't have been ours. So they let him go (probably peeing his pants at this point). Todd walked past me (i wasn't there at the head of this situation) and out of breath he asked me if Anton had our hard drive, and I was like "yeah, it's still back at the house". And he just smiled.

What are the chances that in Hamilton some guy is going to walk by our film set with the EXACT same briefcase as we use???? I mean, they had every reason to chase the guy down - those pieces of equipment are worth EVERYTHING in our film. And if we hadn't dumped the P2 cards yet - it meant we could have lost all of the prior day's shooting material.

What a great way to start a day?

Anyway. Off to work. Plan out more stuff for the upcoming week on camera. Eat and head out to Freedomize.

Happy Easter everyone. Enjoy this holy day.

bump in the night

It was more in the morning. I smacked my head against a metal beam in the craft RV yesterday. I was looking for the lid for our walkie talkie bin - and found it at the foot of the passenger's seat. So, logically, I went and grabbed for it - not knowing that the bed sitting overtop the front seats was flipped down (the bed was flipped down cause Chris was driving the RV one morning and got smoked in the head by some cases of coke). Anyway - it's hard to describe what this might look like - it's a 31 foot RV. The dark coloured bed was blurred in my vision - and tok! I smacked the metal/hard surface right below all the cushiony things.

Big indent - slowly filled up to a bump. I have a small 'gash' - what looks like a scratch. I did not bruise (thank you God!) and the swelling was not overwhelming. :) Small bump.

When Chris and I sat in the vehicle again - i had to immediately tell him that I have Vertigo. A smack on the head to this extent can surely set my system off.

My vestibular system - I had been getting really severe bouts of Vertigo this one year - so finally, during the summer of SARS, I was in and out of different hospitals seeing different specialists who would then send me to a different specialist and so on. After months of testing - they all had a conclusion that my vertigo was streaming from "Migraines". I don't get migraines - and barely get headaches (but when I do get headaches, generally vertigo is to follow). Instead, my vestibular system goes out of whack and severe dizzy spells hit me. You would think it wasn't too bad - but you can't escape these feelings - You can't sit, stand, curl up in a ball, move around too much - it can't be subdued until it's done. It can last seconds or hours (i've had repetitive stints keep me in one position for hours on end cause movement made me ill). My mind is travelling in one direction, the room feels as though it is spinning in another. Your body tries to stabilize itself - it's nauseating. You want to close your eyes - but it gets worse if you do.

I remember this one test where they pump hot water into one ear at a time then ask you to answer simple questions. The room starts to spin (which is the goal of this test). I was fine when they did it to my right ear, but when they did my left ear - I was so sick. I had to walk home after the test (with great difficulty) and was in bed for the rest of the day/night.

Fun times. So I had to tell Chris that I have this problem right away - in case I randomly passed out.

I love advil - ibuprofen saves my day. I had a bang on headache all night - it was pretty excrutiating. It still kind of is right now.

For more information on Vertigo - visit: http://www.neurologychannel.com/vertigo/

praying and waiting

My grandmother is in the hospital. I just found out last night when I called home. My dad is flying out today to be with her and my uncle - who has spent the last few years out East with her - taking care of her and all the elderly folk in her building. I am worried. I know it's not good and I know that I will be getting a call from my parents.

I'm praying a lot about this. I don't know what to think really. I look at death differently now as a Christian. I just pray that the angels take care of her when she is ready to pass on.

Regret is one of the worst feelings. Any regret you cause - is only to yourself. I wish I had written to my grandmother more often. I kept putting it off - and now I can't even call her, as she isn't in the state to receive phone calls. I can only reach her through my prayers. I feel a little hopeless.

I haven't lost a lot of family members in my life to date. My grandfather died when i was young and didn't fully understand what death meant. At least I can't remember it very clearly. When my other grandfather was in for heart surgery while I was still in university - I was totally fine with it until the hour of his surgery - then I started bawling my eyes out. I was so scared for him.

Losing a loved one is never good. Malcolm recently lost his grandmother as well. It's really hard when you know it's coming and you just need to sit and wait for it to come. It's pretty unbearable.

I know Grammy will be happier. I wish I could see her one more time.

I've realized something about myself - when I become overun by work - I make "rash" life decisions. They become very well researched - yet I get really fixated on the idea. This is where I think getting laser eye surgery came from - I was overun and the idea of this surgery was something that wasn't work that I could spend time on. I guess it's like a hobby? : )

Anyway - I have decided that I want to buy a condo. I found a great deal in a great area (near waterfront) and the one building has October residency - one bedroom overlooking the CNE and the lake - 187,900 - would be $2,000 down and 5% on move in, then just a mortgage. I figure that it's the same as paying rent and if I'm going to be here for a while making movies - this is a good time to buy. AND - this property will go up in value. There are no building plans for at least 20 years towards the south of this building (parkland) nor towards the CNE - so the views are protected (which is rare for a lot of the buildings going up - it's a question you actually need to ask).

So I'm sold. I want to go check it out today. There's only one left and I want to put a hold on it. Do you see how I get fixated? It's a nice break.

It might snow tonight. It was thundering/lightening on Friday - which made us shut the generator. Poor Hugh - he was head to toe Rubber. I was pacing on the porch as he disconnected the generator/ground cables - as it was sitting in pools of water (residential streets don't always drain properly).

We're into week 3. Four day week. Monday was a rain day - and it turned out to be half half. It was cold. But meh. I brought back my snow pants again - cause we're expecting snow this week and minus weather.

I will be travelling to the city to pick up the camera today - it was in the Panasonic hospital overnight. I truly felt like I was in a hospital dropping it off - I was alone sitting on this hard seat with the porta-brace bag beside me and everyone who would pass me had this grim look on their face, ask if i was okay, and I would thank them and say that a gentleman was already looking after the product. Then when the gentleman came out - he didn't say a word. He looked at me. I looked at him, grabbed the empty bag and walked up to the counter. He put down a card with all the serial #s relating to our camera.
"It's not good - the 'blah blah blah' has been pulled and all the parts have to be replaced". I just looked at him.
"We'll have to keep it over night - the earliest it can be released is 10am tomorrow" were his words. He's the camera doctor. Does that not sound like a hospital conversation? Anyway - I will be heading back to this isolated location for the pick up and medical bill. What had actually happened to the camera - while Darryl was on steadicam - I guess he ran and someone was standing on the RCA video output cable and when DA reached his cable limit it yanked the camera and the interior components. Sucky - but happens. You can't have a film with no repairs.

We're missing 2 walkies and 6 batteries. I'm very worried about that. And the random parts we're finding around locations worries me for the walkie talkies.

Karl told me that I'm a great cartoon. I think this might have something to do with the hand motions I do when I talk - but I'm not exactly sure. Anyway - I thought it was a great comment - probably the best one this week.

Slainte's is becoming almost a hang out spot for us. They are the busiest Irish pub in canada apparently - they sell the most Guiness around. Anyway - we had dinner there Saturday night and a meeting there Monday evening.

I'm out. Doing invoices and wanting to hit the road (sadly in rush hour) - got to make it back to help set up.

Prayers for my grandmother, my father and his family are greatly appreciated.

hugs and love.