The choices we make

I'm ready.

MEC awaits and I'm longing to buy my gear and head onto the long road to everywhere.

A week ago today we were all scattered through Toronto and Hamilton trying to tie up all the loose ends to our film. I have many posts to submit - that kept deleting on me as they were being typed out. So expect delayed stories of the film. It was a great shoot - had a blast on the last day because we were able to spend it with the cast & crew. We were out of Hamilton, so we didn't have our laptops or any paperwork for that matter.

I think that I'm finished with Toronto. If I'm able to, I'd like to get onto one more show and then move along. I need to beef up my bank account before I head out to NZ. I have learned a lot from the last film, and most importantly, I have been able to realize my potential. I have much room to grow - and I look forward to meeting new people in the film industry and growing with them. My biggest interest is to learn the aspects of raising funds for a film and budgeting.

That's film. But it's not all that I want to be in life. I desire the travel aspect of life so very much. I crave it. The longer I sit and wait for it to happen, the more it hurts.

I've had a lot of time to think about my situation in the last week - more so cause my brain was fried and I had no real option but to sit and think and pray. The biggest thing that kept going through my head was this question: "Who am I living my life for?". I feel like this path that I have always dreamt about is fading away. I put others first in my life and sometimes I forget where I want to go. I don't want to live with regrets - I don't want to be 40 years old still dreaming about what it would have been like to backpack around the world. I just have to go do it. I have no ties - Oscar left me in November for a loving family, Malcolm and I have parted ways, I'm a contract worker, and my family is ever suportive of my travelling bug. They should be - my parents planted it into us at a young age with our trip to Hong Kong.

So I'm ready. I just have to figure out the date.

I had a nightmare the other night. It was a restless sleep with a lot of tossing around and nervous twitches. It was about my laser eye surgery. I woke up worried and spent hours researching this surgery even more through the morning hours. I was reading all the positive testimonials and the horror stories. But one stood out like soar thumb - a decade long story of this one guy whose eyes were horribly damaged by lasik eye surgery. Now, you have to understand that I do a lot of research before undergoing lavish procedures - especially one that would put my vision at risk. I'm a research-aholic. It's important with the financial commitment this surgery would entail and also the possible side effects that could ensue. So as I was reading this one guy's story, understanding fully that his procedure was done in 1996, and much much much has changed since then, but he posted a picture of doctor and him right after the procedure, and my jaw dropped. It was Dr. Stein, the same guy who is supposed to do my proceedure. I felt sick.

Ten years ago, LASIK was much different, but I spent hours reading more things - and many comments were popping out more than before. I read through the CMA's publications, the Canadian Ophthalmological Society's published document and tried to find every testimonial possible. The more I thought about it, the more I was just convinced. I don't want this surgery anymore. To see clearly is a wonderful dream - the idea of just waking up, opening my eyes and seeing the world around me ever so clear would be the most wonderful thing. To swim again without the stress of my contacts. To backpack without thinking about the stupid plastic lenses that cannot be in your eyes forever - yeah, it would be great to be rid of this. But the slightest chance that I could mess up my vision to a point where corrective lenses could not help me scares the crap out of me. Until this fear is subdued, I'm not ready. I might be at age 30, and that's fine, I can be happy and celebrate then - but I read some pretty disturbing stories about eye surgeries. And yes, the risks are the same with any surgery - and you might have problems, and you might not. You are playing the 'vision lottery' with this surgery. 1 in 10 canadians need follow up surgeries according to the COS' publication - something they don't mention to you. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just a second LASIK procedure. Most people do walk away seeing clearly on the day - problems start to happen within the 3 week mark. Most people can read the eye chart perfectly at 20/20 vision - but they don't mention the glare or haloing effect, or even the ghosting effects. I read medically published documents that had the side effects' actual numbers and they are so much higher than what you are made aware of. Yes, I might be lucky - and yeah, most people around me want to comfort me and tell me that the bad stuff won't happen to me - but I'm not ready to gamble with my vision - I'm too young. And fact is - the bad stuff happens to somebody - people out there just like me who are getting the surgery, are becoming statistics. We are waiting for technology to improve our chances of success, but the technology is changing all the time and we don't take the time to perfect before moving on. It's crazy. I read some intense stories - where testimonials of 'celebrities' are supported as they got the best treatment from the top machines. Then the same doctor cannot repeat that same success on a 'non celebrity'? It's insane!

That's my vent. But it's enough to make me truly appreciate the beauty of contact lenses and glasses. I have been praying about this situation for so long - and Malcolm said that maybe He will speak to me through other people. I kept hearing things like "It's a life changing experience" from people - but is it life changing for the good or for the bad? I'm over analyzing things now. I'm cancelling my appointment and celebrating what is to come. But first, I need to buy glasses that work for me (mine are like 7 years old - ugh - not the right prescription).

I am going to be joining a rock climbing gym with a girl from my church. Her name is Linda. I haven't climbed in like 2 years - and have been seeking a belaying partner for so long. She put a post on our church board (genious) and I immediately responded. I am very much looking forward to this. We are going to MEC tomorrow before going at the wall for the first time together at the Rock Oasis in Toronto. I've never climbed at this gym - but I'm so very much excited.

Magali and I went to the 3rd night of York U's 3rd year's film & video screening, last night. There's a mouthful. It was held at one of the new Arts buildings on campus - the Accolade East. It has a proper Cinema Lecture Hall. Nice. The adjustments made for the Fine Arts department are a long time coming. York is one of the few universities in Canada that offer Bachelor of Fine Arts degrees. It truly is nice to see the money going back into the fine arts department after all these long years of trying to make changes to the departments and our money being focused to other means outside of our own.

We went to support Meng, a production assistant from "The Storm". He was screening his film projects that he produced and production managed. Jim Fisher came by to say hello to us 'alumni' (so strange to hear that from a prof.). We also spent some time with Tereza Barta - one of the few profs at York who truly made a difference in how I viewed the art of production. There were a few hits (maybe 2) and a lot of misses (as is the norm with student films). It's insane how many projects this class produced. Their student count is like 50, in third year we were under 30 students. The year after our class graduated, they changed the entire curriculum. There are 'project classes' dedicated to directors - and hence we get 30+ films for third years and who knows how many in 4th year. Three nights is intense.

It was nice to be there - although awkward at times. Next week the fourth years are screening their projects.

I'm going to go make a salad. Trying to slowly introduce 'proper food' into my system again. The film really messed up my system - little sleep, no real food, too much pop & chocolate, and I lost some weight (between 5-10 lbs). Ugh. I cannot afford the loss at this point in time. Thin, but unhealthy. I need to work out more and eat right. I have high hopes for the summer. :)

Much to come. Enjoy the lengthy posts. :)