the first time i saw tumbleweed...

...i laughed.

i thought it was the funniest thing. all those cartoons were telling the truth. these things just randomly roll across desert roads like nothing.

we were driving to San Francisco. we were on the inner state highway. it felt like we were thelma and louise. not because we were about to drive our car off a cliff - more so the weather, the adventure, the two girls...


i've been busy.

work has been draining.

it's the atmosphere.

i love the crew. they were great. the office staff.

i could do without the negative. and for that the four day countdown remains.

at first, i thought it wouldn't affect me. but in the end it really had.

i didn't spend enough time praying through it. i did, but not enough i guess.

i finish on thursday, and from then, i promise more energy and more blogs.


i re-read my blog for FreekOut - it was never posted. it was nostalgic.

this was before a great deal of change in my life had occured.


last night, we went to brent's office christmas party. it was fun. casino night. 10,000 lost on my part. learning how to play roulette and texas hold em. brent's roulette winnings. eventually, a large basket of goodies. we missed out on the dance floor. suits and evening dresses. cosmos and beer in wine glasses. meeting the pioneers of the company.

you looked good. you belong there.

there was something about the evening.

it might have been the way he found my smile in the end. the look in his eyes. the laughter shared through conversation. just knowing. in-promptu photo shoot a la hannah. a trip to johnnie's. everlasting hugs.

i should have wanted to dance the twist.


you know when you just need to cry?

maybe guys can't relate, but i know that the women can.

i wanted to all yesterday. even though i appreciated my moments, there was something so unhappy about myself. there was something that i could feel all day. deep inside. one of those unexplanable feelings. the frustrating kind.

i almost did so many times yesterday.


today. this incredible peace on my heart. waking up and just feeling as though this is exactly the type of day you want to wake up to every day. knowing from the first glimpse, that everything you are living feels incredible.

and i christmas shopped today - so you would think that i would be soul destroyed at this point.

but i got everything that i wanted to do done - in a decent amount of time. always smiling.

i was singing. i felt like spinning. the day was crisp and sunny. it's mid december. it feels like spring. it smells like spring.


running through my head all day. it's always like that.


trust. knowing that you can give Him everything. understanding how to do that. opening your heart to the possibility. loving Him. feeling His love. appreciating the blessings that He provides.

this season is for Him and to celebrate Him.

I am overjoyed in a way that is without explanation. you would have to feel it to understand it.

i appreciate all my blessings. i feel so incredibly blessed. i don't want this feeling to end.


i finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. i love this movie. the way it is shot. the story. the characters. the creativity. the love.

the love.


for the first time, my heart felt very heavy. the kind of feeling where you want to throw up, theoretically. kind of like butterflies in your stomach - but in a bad way.

what if i am afraid to step onto that plane?


why are these thoughts plaguing my mind?

but you can't help but wonder. how do you say goodbye?

a day away, and for some reason everything feels really heavy.

will the beauty of my surroundings support me? will i be able to read strength in His words?


i'll be gone before i know it. the moment july turns around, it'll be done.


Christmas is already here. it feels like it was yesterday. it always feels like it was yesterday.

i'll be away next Christmas.

ah

3 months tomorrow.

today, i Age

it was my birthday yesterday.

26 years ago - my poor mother gave birth (by c-section) to a bell shaped baby (i'm not kidding you folks, i was a contortionist from birth - and it explains a lot). through the course of natural human progression and through my life journey's trials and tribulations - let me present, me.

still full of hopes and dreams. still with the travel bug bitting away at me. still young at heart despite the new number added to my age. still wondering, still searching, still progressing.

it's strange. birthdays that is. i'm not a big fan of them - for myself i guess. i love celebrating other people's birthdays - but when it comes to my special day, i don't really want people to make a fuss about me. i'm very strange with that type of attention.

yesterday - was nice.

a stream of emails from family and friends to start my day off on the right foot.

worked my 12 hours.

photobooth extravaganza.

the phone calls.

the nostalgia attached to hearing your parents sing you happy birthday.

coming home to a plethora of balloons chilling out in my room. taped balloon on my bedroom door - reminded me of little school when they would do that to your desk.

napping on that cursed couch - that thing is laced with something, it's far too easy to accidentally fall asleep.

thoughtful friends and good company.

duke of kent - to celebrate a three way mutual birthday with Galen & Jason. drinks & smiles.

a mutual hug walk home.

remembering how to smile.

your never ending smile.

late night chats with hannah.

falling asleep in my bed.
it was perfect.


SHOUT OUTS:

galen & jason - for picking the right day to be born. thank you to galen for posting and organizing the pub night.

michal, the wonderful 2nd AD from our crew, sent over a care package bday gift bag in the office. trying to brighten up my day - it was a big surprise and so touching. Later on, when I found my way to set, we ducked into the photo booths in the galleria mall (near base camp) for some glamour shots. fun times. The AD department were cheerleaders to me - making sure everyone around me knew it was my bday. (Jenn/Michal - you ladies get gold stars for your warm hearts)

Jonathan & Tracey for their hilarious duet in the producer trailer - with Tracey's enthusiasm, and Jonathan's woo hoo - it was an awesome mix that i wish i could have recorded. Surprise - i am welcomed with a gift bag full of every ingredient necessary to make long island iced teas. so funny. definitely my favorite drink to order at a bar, but i've never made them before, so this should be interesting. showered with birthday wishes, love and hugs from crew members and cast alike.

Kimberley - for your dedication to balloon blowing...for your love and friendship. for my new special friend. for the balloons that made me smile. (i love balloons)

Hannah - for your thoughtful heart and your desire to protect me should the worst happen on my travels to NZ. hahaha

Brent - for your patience. for your time. for your love.

Mother & Father - for everything. :) the emails, the phone calls, your love and support. i'll see you soon - xmas is like two weekends away...

Michael - who is so funny. thank you for the mystery package in the mail today. hahahaha i love my brother.

to everyone who phoned, emailed and msn'd me - you guys truly brightened up my day.

i am so very blessed to have you all in my life.


it was an odd day though. mood wise. i can't necessarily explain it just yet. there's a lot going on that has been playing with my emotions.

but it ended exactly how i wanted. feeling right at home.

my heart was smiling.

thank you.


ps - more to come on life pre-birthday, including my bday present to myself - the buffalo bills game. oh the goodness of the nfl.