the first time i saw tumbleweed...

...i laughed.

i thought it was the funniest thing. all those cartoons were telling the truth. these things just randomly roll across desert roads like nothing.

we were driving to San Francisco. we were on the inner state highway. it felt like we were thelma and louise. not because we were about to drive our car off a cliff - more so the weather, the adventure, the two girls...


i've been busy.

work has been draining.

it's the atmosphere.

i love the crew. they were great. the office staff.

i could do without the negative. and for that the four day countdown remains.

at first, i thought it wouldn't affect me. but in the end it really had.

i didn't spend enough time praying through it. i did, but not enough i guess.

i finish on thursday, and from then, i promise more energy and more blogs.


i re-read my blog for FreekOut - it was never posted. it was nostalgic.

this was before a great deal of change in my life had occured.


last night, we went to brent's office christmas party. it was fun. casino night. 10,000 lost on my part. learning how to play roulette and texas hold em. brent's roulette winnings. eventually, a large basket of goodies. we missed out on the dance floor. suits and evening dresses. cosmos and beer in wine glasses. meeting the pioneers of the company.

you looked good. you belong there.

there was something about the evening.

it might have been the way he found my smile in the end. the look in his eyes. the laughter shared through conversation. just knowing. in-promptu photo shoot a la hannah. a trip to johnnie's. everlasting hugs.

i should have wanted to dance the twist.


you know when you just need to cry?

maybe guys can't relate, but i know that the women can.

i wanted to all yesterday. even though i appreciated my moments, there was something so unhappy about myself. there was something that i could feel all day. deep inside. one of those unexplanable feelings. the frustrating kind.

i almost did so many times yesterday.


today. this incredible peace on my heart. waking up and just feeling as though this is exactly the type of day you want to wake up to every day. knowing from the first glimpse, that everything you are living feels incredible.

and i christmas shopped today - so you would think that i would be soul destroyed at this point.

but i got everything that i wanted to do done - in a decent amount of time. always smiling.

i was singing. i felt like spinning. the day was crisp and sunny. it's mid december. it feels like spring. it smells like spring.


running through my head all day. it's always like that.


trust. knowing that you can give Him everything. understanding how to do that. opening your heart to the possibility. loving Him. feeling His love. appreciating the blessings that He provides.

this season is for Him and to celebrate Him.

I am overjoyed in a way that is without explanation. you would have to feel it to understand it.

i appreciate all my blessings. i feel so incredibly blessed. i don't want this feeling to end.


i finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind tonight. i love this movie. the way it is shot. the story. the characters. the creativity. the love.

the love.


for the first time, my heart felt very heavy. the kind of feeling where you want to throw up, theoretically. kind of like butterflies in your stomach - but in a bad way.

what if i am afraid to step onto that plane?


why are these thoughts plaguing my mind?

but you can't help but wonder. how do you say goodbye?

a day away, and for some reason everything feels really heavy.

will the beauty of my surroundings support me? will i be able to read strength in His words?


i'll be gone before i know it. the moment july turns around, it'll be done.


Christmas is already here. it feels like it was yesterday. it always feels like it was yesterday.

i'll be away next Christmas.

ah

3 months tomorrow.