it's all just a part of life...

Malcolm put up this post yesterday. We had previously talked about how we would discuss this matter with people. A select few already knew about our situation - but personally, I have been wanting to make it more public. I don't like pretending, and I hate keeping people out of the loop. I thought he worded it really well, so I asked him if I could simply post his story. Not because I want people to read about his views on myself, but more he puts it down on paper so well. This is our story.



BEGIN MALCOLM POST:

The Malcolm and Alison saga

The Story - a brief overview

Alison and I had our first date in November of 2003. Prior to that we knew each other from University the previous school year. She was in her last year and I was in my first. On several occasions we hung out, but nothing substantial. On a fluke we hung out once in the summer of 2003 which was enough to convince Alison to send me an 'I like you' e-mail, and this lead us to the aforementioned first date. The result was enough to warrant future dates and eventually we could consider ourselves a couple.

On December 13th, 2004 I got the crazy notion to propose to Alison. My decision was based on a number of things including an endearing nature that was both cute and very intelligent, her nurturing/caring personality, and the perception that she was the balance to my personality. The wedding date was set for October 15th, 2005. By May 2005, I had finished my 3rd year of University and decided to move in with Alison. If I had not I was afraid that I would be stuck in a lease for another full year with my two roommates at the time. I love those two roommates and all, but if I was supposed to be getting married in October I didn't want to be in a lease with them. However, as plans change, I believe it was in July or August that we postponed the wedding. Funny thing, the week before we decided to postpone, we had sent out all the wedding invitations. So some people were receiving an invitation and a postponement in the mail at the same time. Finally in late November or early December we decided break it off completely. Of course we we're still living together, and that's the situation we're in now.

The decision

We told ourselves that the decision to postpone the wedding was because the wedding itself didn't feel like what we wanted, and neither of us had the time to make the wedding what we wanted. We also realized that we were getting way too stressed out and fighting too much because of the pressure from this wedding. As soon as we said that it was postponed there was a HUGE sigh of relief between the two of us. We were just worn down from the marriage process. It felt like things between us just immediately started getting better. Of course all this was at least partly disillusionment to the deeper issues we both knew we had. And our close living quarters just exacerbated our annoyances with each other. As a couple you're supposed to "bend" your ways of thinking on both parts until you meet the other in the middle and your arguments are decently subdued, and love is the most pervasive element. We both found that we both bent as far as our stiff muscles would take us and we still could not touch the toes of the other. Therefore we came to the decision that we could never be fully reconciled as a couple and we had to end it. We understood the fights we had in the past in the context of the stress at the time. But you can only blame your situation for so long until you realize that there is and will always be something. We both love each other very much, as friends. I think we are an awesome couple, but only in a limited capacity. It's very difficult to continue with a relationship that is pigeonholed to work in only certain types of situations and consistantly not work in other integral areas. So that was our demise as a couple.

the aftermath

After several contemplations of myself moving out, it was decided that we'll stick it out until I'm done school. After all, we both still enjoy each others company, and we both find it more comforting to slowly ween away from each other. Besides which, it would have been very difficult to find an appropriate and affordable place for 3 or 4 months until I've finished school. Especially since I've gotten a job that's a 5 minute walk from this house. I'm sure there will be tears, and fights and everything else associated with the emotions of breaking up when our last one or two weeks together come; but for now, we are living together, and we love each other. We love each other in a different context from what we did. I know I will always love Alison, but it will be as friend.

A Diagram

1. We were two separate lines
2. We bent our ways towards each other...
3. ...and we founded our relationship
4. as we break up, we are two separate people again
5. we are realizing that we can start to stand straighter and rediscover who we were before we changed oureselves towards the other out of respect and love.

I am personally excited about this rediscovery of myself. This is nothing against Alison, but there is this thrill from the freedom of independance. Part of that thrill is because it is something different from what I've been living for several years, and change usually feels fresh and exciting. Part of the thrill is nostalgic, and part of it is based on the excited of opportunity without worrying about how to get there with someone else. I'm sure some time after this opportunity to stretch my limbs, I'll be wanting a relationship again because I'll feel lonely or some junk like that. Life is funny like that, there is this constant flip flop of contradiction that we are in charge of balancing.

so that is the story

END MALCOLM POST

And here we are. The hardest part about this whole situation is how long we have known about the seperation, but living together has put us in an awkward place. If you've ever seen our cramped basement apartment - great for one person, difficult for two people, especially going through this type of seperation. But we make it work - sometimes. :) I sleep on the couch (which is very comfy to me) even though Aucky's 3am runs can drive anyone nuts. I'm so busy with this film, it works for me.

I am really looking forward to being single again and just living my life differently. Before Malcolm and I started dating, I was really enjoying being single - there's something unique about growing on your own. It's wonderful once you do find that certain someone that you can grow old with - but what's the rush? :) My biggest thing is finding someone who has the same life paths as myself. I work in film - it's a huge passion of mine. I want to travel the world - and let my kids see the same (this is cause my parents opened our eyes to world travel at a young age with our Hong Kong adventure). I want to live on the west coast (if in Canada), near the mountains, the ocean and the forests. Although leading a hectic career life, I crave a simpler lifestyle. All I really want is my very own puppy...

It's really important to have that mesh with a partner. I am not in a rush to find anyone or be with anyone. God will let me know when it's time. If that right person comes into my life in the near future, so be it - I just hope he understands that I still want time to myself. Opportunities are beginning to present themselves to me, and I know that I need to focus on them. But if he's the right one, he will understand. With God by my side, I'm not alone, sad or worried. He makes things a lot easier to deal with. I'm so excited for what's to come. The unknown can be so wonderful if you embrace it. The best part is, I'm never alone. He allows a certain level of bravery. :)