maybe it's a Saturday thing

Lately I've been feeling really low on the weekends. I have no idea why.

Today I was looking online at condos in Vancouver and San Francisco. Not that I will be moving anytime soon, but the idea of leaving this place and going to be alongside the ocean breaks my heart because it feels so far away. I finally have enough money to leave and go on my worldly travels, then God hands me a career opportunity impossible to turn down. So here I am, still in Toronto. I'm close to family and still with a great deal of amazing friends. So why do I get so down?

I stopped running almost 2 years ago due to continued knee problems, and at that time, eating problems. No, I was not anorexic...yet. I definitely eat food. But I wasn't eating enough to push through my exercises. After living with this one roomate, who was basically stealing my food, leaving me with nothing to eat at the end of the day, i ended up losing a lot of weight. But at some point, i liked the way I was beginning to look - even though I knew I was starting to look very very thin in certain parts. But for the first time, the problem areas that I had were finally fading away. Yes, thin girls have problem areas too - the worst part is that I could never tell someone about how I felt about my body because I would be snarled at for even mentioning the idea. This is a very grave reality for many girls. Everyone has areas of their body that they wish they could change. After several weeks with this roomate, and that whole situation (long story), I did eventually become anorexic. I would sit there and analyze my mind set, and at one point I fully understood how smart and not so smart people alike could be pulled into this psychological warfare. A negative self-image is a very powerful weapon. I did things to myself I thought I would never do. When I was a teenager, I remember toying with thoughts of suicide, but I was strong enough to wrestle those demons away. Although suicide was not an option this time around, self-destruction was. With a diligant bf at the time, and worried fam/friends, I was able to regain my weight.

But I was never able to run again. Running was my out. Kickboxing was my out. I was lost without them. I really needed/wanted the physical push that I was able to gain from these activities. I miss running at the St. Clair Reservoir at sunset, while overlooking one of the towers of Casa Loma and the downtown skyline. It was such a beautiful time. Generally, there were less runners at this time of night. It was a grass trail, so no worries with pavement. I always thought it was okay for me to run as long as it wasn't pavement.

I meet with my sports therapist on Monday to begin treatment on my knees and also learn how to work with the hyper-extensive hips and full leg issues I have been having for over a decade. Baby steps. It still hurts not being able to do my favorite activities. I dream of kickboxing again, yet it might be too much for my legs. And it honestly tears me apart. Then I discovered rock climbing - and I love it so much, but can't seem to find a partner to belay with.

Anyway. This blog will be all over the place and also very long. My mind's just like that right now. I walked to Spence Diamonds today, 2 months late for my semi-annual ring inspection. And the whole time I kept thinking about where I wanted to move to after the film was finished - I can't live in this basement apartment anymore. It's great, but I miss the sunlight/windows. I was walking from Eglinton all the way to Sheppard (took me almost 2.5hrs). At one point I turned to see the view towards lake Ontario - and it was so beautiful. Partially cloudy skies today with plenty of sun. The CN Tower in clear view overtop the skyscrapers/condos. And then I thought about how without the CN Tower, Toronto was just another city with the same skyline. And I think that's what was missing for me in Vancouver. Maybe the CN Tower is homey. Who knows. But there is something amiss with different cities. Although, with the ocean and rolling mountains along the coast, Toronto can't compete with the west coast.

Another thing I couldn't stop thinking about was why i was going to Spence. It's mainting this false lifestyle. I'm not engaged anymore. Our wedding was postponed in early August of 2005 and was cancelled soon after. Malcolm and I are no longer a couple - yet I have to continue to maintain the ring in order to keep up with the warranty from the company. When can it go back? Is it wrong to return an engagement ring? I think it would be sad if this diamond couldn't fulfill it's purpose. It is very beautiful. Maybe I'm just in a slump because of our circumstance. We still live together - can anything be more awkward with a couple. He's an amazing person, and even through all of my production mayhem (currently scattered throughout the apartment) he is supportive and understanding. It is a very emotional challenge to live with someone you no longer have that connection with - especially when you know that most of the people around you still don't know you have broken up. When he leaves at the end of April, I will be alone to face everyone's questions - although I expect most people I know to be fully understanding, supportive and amazing individuals. I don't need support for this though. This is a decision we made mutually - and I'm very much excited to begin this next chapter of my life. With God in my heart, I know that life will happen as it should and that I don't have to worry. For you single folk out there - never be sad about a relationship breakup. I am overwhelmed when I think to myself that I haven't kissed my future husband yet. This should excite you, you have yet to kiss your future spouse. How cool is that? I get so happy inside when I know that one day I will meet and kiss my future husband. First kisses are amazing and so special. And that one will be even more special, even though I won't know it at the moment - but you get my drift right? This is the hopeless romantic part of me coming out, but it's honest - and I think it's such a magical thought. :)

I always wanted to run away. I'm homesick, yet I have no home. Not here. I think it was Malcolm who once told me that I must be homesick for Heaven. Earth is our temporary location. When you think that on average we're only here for like 70 odd years, and the afterlife is forever. I'm homesick for heaven. It hits me hard sometimes. I love life and living it, but I definitely could do without this void in my heart for a place to call home. I just want to be on top of the highest mountain in New Zealand overlooking the oblivion that is the unbroken horizon of the ocean. I used to sit on the shores of Lake Nipissing and pretend that I was looking out into the ocean. You could only see the islands in the middle - but no land at the other end (the lake is quite large). There, my mind was free to think about all the possibilities that lay ahead in life.

Why are we so anxious to grow up? I couldn't wait to be in high school when I was a little girl, and I blame the Archie comics for that. It looked like so much fun, like this city I was living in would suddenly become amazing for some reason. High School came and went, and here I am like 7 years later. wow. North Bay never transformed into this amazing city. And eventually, I moved on.

Is there a point to this blog? Probably not. Just ranting I guess about my inability to grab hold of something and be sure of it. Everything is so wonderful, at the same time I don't know how to process it or am unable to. Why am I so sad though?

I just want to go home. I want to take a break and not feel as though I'm letting anyone down. I want to run up and down Bayview avenue and magically end up at the ocean every morning. No matter where I go in this world, this feeling will follow me. I am so excited to travel, and then I'm put down for dreaming of the road. My heart was once crushed when someone told me that I wouldn't find what I'm looking for on my journey. What did I say I was looking for? A new view point on the world? Because I honestly believe that the world outside of North America offers a beautiful experience to see new cultures and life. I want to meet people from the Maori tribes, I want to help build homes and a school in Kenya, I want to volunteer my time in Cambodia, I want to understand the old world traditions in central China as the world busily rises around these small villages. I want to go to Wolong China's Panda Reserve, and see my very first Giant Panda live - I want to feed him bamboo and possibly even touch his paw. I want to meet my grandparents half-way around this world and have tea with them - and just share this life that they have travelled. I want to see what we can't understand from the comfort of our homes.

My whole life is a journey - and I really only want to see the world that was created for us to experience. And really, I want to meet like-minded people who want to smile, hike, participate in adventure sports, conquer mother nature and enjoy this trip with me. Isn't that the every day though?

I woke up this morning asking how I could make it a better day - how I could live my life fuller? I didn't know how to answer that question.

I promise I'll be happier tomorrow. I'm going to play with Kristy and then visit Freedomize. and breathe.

xo