New beginnings.

You know, I have a whole post ready to write about the film. We camera wrapped on Wednesday - I got home at 1.13pm. Man - That was a 30 hour day. And I have no desire to post it just yet.

I did returns with Magali yesterday - and John at T2W said that we should start our own company - because we're liked in the industry. That's encouraging to hear. :) I also totally love my guys at T2W - they are golden and great guys.

A lot of thinking has taken place in my world. Especially today as I wasted an entire morning staring at the tv flicking to unfulfilling shows that meant nothing to my life. My brain is fried. Normally when a show wraps out you feel a sense of closure, and I definitely didn't achieve that with this production.

This is my honest blog - don't judge it for it's lack of poetry. I felt like crap all morning. Feelings of hollowness. A lot has been changing in my life for sure. I'm very happy and grateful for all the changes that are happening - but when they happen all at once, it can become very draining. Malcolm has moved out - he'll be back to finish clearing out on Monday. The film is done - wrapped on the filmic end - and I miss my crew. They made it worth while - and I honestly had a great day on that last day because I didn't bring work with me to Campbellville. I was able to just be with the crew and cast and it was wonderful.

How do I feel about the production? Empty. I had a great talk with Martine today as I drove myself home when we were exchanging vehicle ownership with our dented production van. She was very inspiring. It’s just nice to hear from a crew member that they felt you did a good job – cause I was really doubting myself a lot on this production and at one point I gave up.

I felt unappreciated. Actually – when I think about it – I was always told I was appreciated, but never really told I was trusted. I felt that my role as a producer wasn’t taken seriously by some. I might only be 25 years old. I do have a great variety of experience in the industry – however, I have a great deal to learn. I felt as though people around me were challenging my experience to a point that I have no idea why they hired me in the first place. I was asked to produce a feature film, yet feel as though very little faith was put into my abilities. And this is where I’m left empty.

After much reflection, I truly feel that this will be my only film with this company. I have much love for the executives and mad love for my closest crew mates, but I don’t think I’m ready to settle into a city that I’m not feeling called to. There are other reasons that will be left for unpublished journals. This reflection time has really brought me to a new level and I feel really good about my heart’s awakening and the path that I’m being guided towards.

Sarah leaves for Nairobi mid May.

I’m ready to see the world. Travel and do film in different places. Make a name for myself wherever I go. I want to see so much, and I find that working in Toronto – as wonderful as it is and has been a noose around my neck. I think this is why I was not completely in love with LA, there is a love/hate relationship that you actually start to feel with certain cities – and I have always felt that about Toronto. Maybe I’ll miss it when I leave – maybe I’ll find myself when I travel. I think there is so much to be seen in this world that I am limiting myself by parking in one spot. At least at this point in my life, I don’t feel called to remain here. In some ways, I wish I did – cause I have found an incredible community here and also my family is near and my incredible circle of friends.

Days that leave you reflecting bring up long time asked questions. One keeps popping into my head over and over and over and I can’t shake it.

Who am I living this life for?

I honestly don’t know. I know that I am living it for God in the first place, and that with Him I feel renewed in my life path’s mission. On the flip side, I feel like my brakes have been on for so long and I don’t know why. I am blessed for all that I have done in this life – but I want to add so much more to that list. I’m young, but at the same time, I’m not. I’m at that age where things are expected of you – marriage, family, house buying, career. While I want freedom, independence, travelling and adventure. I don’t think that I’m wrong it feeling this way in the least – but I almost feel counter productive.

All I know is that I’m ready to make a change. And this feeling I have inside is so inspiring – I feel that this is the right time and the right now for me.

I’m elated!